Election 1800 - A Second Revolution

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson had been close friends, kindred spirits since the First Continental Congress. While serving as diplomats in France, their friendship became akin to kinship. While serving in Washington's administration, their philosophical differences tore them apart. That fight turned into opposing political parties: Federalists and Democratic-Republicans.

The Contenders:

Quick rules lesson: Back then electors voted for two men, one of which had to be from a different state. The winner was president, runner-up vice president. That's why each party chose two candidates, and that's why each party chose a Northerner and a Southerner. That's also why in 1796 the president and vice president were from different parties.

President John Adams (Federalist-MA) - Having grown up among the working men, he believed they could not be trusted with the important decisions, even who got to be president. As president, he ignored public opinion and refused to get involved in the French Revolution. To quell opposition, he passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, which allowed him to deport protesters and jail anyone who spoke out or wrote against him.


Vice President Thomas Jefferson (Democratic-Republican-VA) - Having grown up among the uber-rich, he believed the aristocracy couldn't be trusted to act in the best interest of the people. He saw the Adams presidency as a symbol of that distrust. The Federalist party, he thought, would re-form the government into the very monarchy we had just fought to remove.



Former Senator Aaron Burr (Democratic-Republican-NJ) - Having grown up in chaos, served in the Revolutionary War in chaos, and wallowed in financial chaos, he sought escape in politics. His only real political philosophy was that he deserved to be in power, and nothing should stand in the way of that.




Former Minister to France Charles Cotesworth "C.C." Pinckney (Federalist-SC) - Just think of him as the Federalist who isn't John Adams.






Former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton (Federalist, Nevis) - The story would not be complete without mentioning Alexander Hamilton. Born on the island of Nevis, Hamilton could never be president, but he used his position as Washington's trusted advisor to take over the first president's policy direction. When Adams won in 1796, Hamilton filled his cabinet with Hamiltonian loyalists who reported to their leader before the president. Alexander Hamilton enjoyed absolute control until late 1800 when Adams finally grew a pair and fired the Hamiltonians from his cabinet.

The Fight:

Federalist newspapers ripped Jefferson apart, while the Sedition Act stopped Republican papers from doing the same to Adams. In response, the Republicans built their party like never before. In early 1800, they won the majority of the staunchly Federalist New York legislature, and their electoral votes.

Hamilton, in a last ditch effort to get his way, wrote a 54-page missive publicly ripping Adams a new asshole, in hopes Federalist electors would move toward Pinckney. On election day, Federalist votes were all over the place. The win in New York tipped the election to the Republicans for the first time in history. Jefferson and Burr tied with 73 electoral votes.

The tie went to the House of Representatives.For 33 ballots, they deadlocked as back rooms filled with Congressmen making deal after deal. Hamilton, who had long supported Jefferson over Burr as the lesser of two evils, finally got to one of those Representatives, and on the 34th ballot Jefferson won. Finally.

The Title:

In his inaugural address, Jefferson called his victory "a Second Revolution." The people didn't like the direction the government was going, so they went in a different direction and proved democracy could work. He won re-election in 1804.

After Hamilton stopped Burr from winning the New York governorship, Burr shot Hamilton and disappeared into the West, where he died at a ripe old, crazy age.

Pinckney became the go-to Federalist candidate for a few more elections.

Adams had trouble getting over losing to a man clearly more liked than himself. Eventually, he and Jefferson reconciled and corresponded over 150 times during the last 14 years of their lives. They both died July 4, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

Next Up - Election 1824: Enter Andrew Jackson

Football's Fucking Exciting

Both of my teams, Patriots and Eagles, are safely in the playoffs. Both are also trying to line themselves up for optimal schedules in the post-season. Nine of this week’s 16 games have playoff implications. The 6 NFC playoff teams are all locked in, but 4 of them (Eagles, Vikings, Cardinals and Cowboys) could reach the coveted #2 spot and the first round bye with which it comes. The Patriots and Bengals are in play for the #3 AFC spot, which automatically avoids the Colts in round 2. Speaking of the AFC, both Wild Card slots are up for grabs to 7 different teams (Jets, Ravens, Broncos, Texans, Steelers all 8-7; Dolphins, Jaguars both 7-8)

NOTE: Understanding all this requires understanding NFL’s tie-breaking procedures.

Games That Don’t Matter:

Unless you live in one of these 14 cities, the outcomes of these games do not matter.



The NFC Climb to #2:
Saints have locked up #1. If the Eagles and the Packers win, regardless of the Vikings result, the NFC will be #2 Eagles, #3 Vikings, #4 Cardinals, #5 Packers, #6 Cowboys. If the Eagles win, Vikings lose, and Cardinals win, Cardinals take #3 and Vikings drop to #4. If the Cowboys win, use this handy chart to figure out results based on the other two games:

MIN/ARI win #2 Vikings #3 Cardinals #4 Cowboys #5 Eagles #6 Packers

MIN/GB win #2 Vikings #3 Cowboys #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

GB win #2 Cowboys #3 Vikings #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

ARI win #2 Cardinals #3 Cowboys #4 Vikings #5 Eagles #6 Packers

In other words, watch the Eagles/Cowboys game if you can.

The AFC Cluster Fuck to the Wild Card:
This is the 1:00 game to watch. Both teams are fighting for a chance at the playoffs. If the Steelers win, a long combination of other wins and losses this week could give them a second chance at redeeming a blown season. If the Dolphins win and all 5 of the other teams lose, they would actually get in.
In a tie-breaker, the Jaguars would actually fare pretty well. If the Jaguars win, they might have a shot at the #5 spot even. If they lose, they’re out.

The Patriots want the #3 spot. That means if they win the first playoff game, they go onto the Chargers instead of the Colts. That also means they have to win this game. If the Texans win and no less than two of Jets, Ravens, Broncos lose they’re in for the first time in franchise history.
It’s very simple. If the Ravens win, they’re in. If they win, and the Jets lose, they’re #5. If they win and the Jets win, they’re #6. If the Ravens lose, they’re out.
The Broncos do not control their own fate. Winning, of course, makes their playoff hopes more likely, but if they lose, and so do a bunch of other teams, they could make it in anyway. Statistically, they have the best chance of making the playoffs.
There’s a good reason this is the 8:20 game. The Jets are the only team right now that completely controls its own fate. If they win, they’re the #5 team. If they lose, they’re out. For the Bengals, if they win and the Patriots lose, they get the #3 slot. These all or nothing stakes, and the recent loss of Bengal receiver Chris Henry, make this game the most worthy of the primetime slot.

The Shit You Actually Remember

Part 12 of 12: Clinton to Obama

Now for the big question: Why did I do this? Why did I spend my free time putting this all together? I didn’t realize the answer until I started the research. Never before has the adage, “those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it,” been clearer to me. It made me reflect first on this latest election, then work my way backwards. If we all knew more about our own history, we wouldn’t be so quick to repeat it.

William "Jefferson Clinton" Blythe III (Governor, Democrat) 1993-2001 (2 full terms) VP: Al Gore; FL: wife Hillary

Clinton should have learned from Wilson. Bubba gets a lot of flack for encouraging people to buy houses, leading to sub-prime mortgages, leading to the recession. His real problem was not Republican-proofing his plans. Dude, learn from history: Americans fear change. In the modern age, before you reform, you must make your policies regressive-proof. If you push too much reform, you will be handing the presidency over to the Republicans. Oh, and while we’re at it, Gore’s an idiot. You can’t under-estimate your VP choice. I will argue til I’m blue that Lieberman’s the reason he lost, like Ferraro brought down Dukakis, Quayle brought down Bush, and Palin brought down McCain.

George Walker Bush (Governor, Republican) 2001-2009 (2 full terms) VP: Dick Cheney; FL: wife Laura

If Bush had paid attention to history, the Republican Party might not be in such disarray. Bush took a Harding-like approach and overturned everything Clinton accomplished, both the good with the bad. Thus, he falls somewhere near Harding in overall job performance. Had he followed the Eisenhower approach of trying to continue Clinton’s reforms, we may have avoided the recession. In the end, it was our own faults he got re-elected. How did we let him use “flip-flopper” as a negative? Lincoln’s giant flip-flop from conservative to liberal saved the Union and ended slavery.

Barack Hussein Obama (Senator, Democrat) 2009-Present (1 term) VP: Joe Biden; FL: wife Michelle

Obama just needs to learn from general precedent. He's simply not going to get re-elected. If he wins in 2012, it will be the first time since Jefferson-Madison-Monroe that three presidents in a row successfully completed two full terms. Presidents elected in a wave of backlash against the current administration (Pierce, Harrison, Carter) rarely get re-elected. Presidents presiding over an economic downturn without clear and concise recovery (Van Buren, Hoover, Carter) hardly ever make it. Washington outsiders who lack the political skill to pass bills (Carter) usually cannot rally for a second win. With all this stacked against him, the question remains, why the fuck isn't he trying harder? Always with the coalition building. For a short period of time, he has a slight majority in both houses of Congress. Why the hell isn't he forcing through a Jacksonian or Teddy Rooseveltian wave of unbridled reform? Screw the second term, like Polk did in 1848. Dude, just step up and say "I'm the president, and I'm going to fix EVERYTHING right now, and I'm going to it my way. If when I'm done you feel like I've made your life better, vote for me. If not, fuck you." Seriously, Barack, you're not going to win in 2012, so stop trying to be Mr. Popular and starting being a fucking president.

Next Up - I'm going to do this same thing next year, but it will be 12 months, 12 elections.

My Favorite Movies of 2009

Hands Down, The Best Movies of the Year

Crank: High Voltage

To be fair, I love Jason Statham movies in general, so I'm biased; however, it's goofy; it's cheesy, and it has more imagination per frame than any other movie of the year. In a year where storytelling was replaced by filmmakers trying to paint over crappy movies with a layer of feigned social conscience, it was refreshing to watch a movie that didn't even pretend to be bigger than it was. For people just willing to give themselves up to ridiculousness, this movie will blow you away. As soon as you have free time, rent the first Crank movie, give yourself a few days to think "How the fuck are they going to make a sequel to that?" then rent Crank 2.

Zombieland

"Shaun of the Dead" is a better made movie, with greater emotion and depth of character. However, I love "Zombieland" so much more. It's just pure fun. I can't remember laughing so hard for such a sustained period of time. I don't even like zombie movies, but subject matter aside, this movie was so fucking good.

Inglourious Basterds

What I hate most about Quentin Tarantino are those long dialogue scenes. The man seems in love with his own writing, and he thinks his pop culture references make him cooler than everyone else. Even worse, his philosophy about everything isn't as thoughtful as good actors make it sound. With Basterds, he finally figured out that if we're going to sit in one place for 20 minutes, we want some fucking tension. Gone are the rants about milkshakes and '70s television, and in their wake, he brings us two of the most tense film scenes I've ever seen (the farm house and the basement). As a Jew, I found this movie to be a cathartic piece of fantasy. I would never support the wholesale torture and murder of any group of people, but in a movie, safe behind squibs and prat falls, I can enjoy watching those Nazi bastards die.

Really Great Movies of the Year

Star Trek -- I can't wait to see where Abrams takes this. So many possibilities. The man James Kirk was before and the choices he made shaped the times. With Kirk changed and the Vulcans mostly extinct, I can't wait to see how they replay some of the major events of the series, then jump to The Next Generation and see how different the whole universe becomes.
Saw VI -- Real, relevant social conscience comes to the Saw franchise. It has always had that subtle hatred toward the medical community, but this movie gets so specific and so cathartic. Saw VI should be required viewing at health insurance companies. Not the best Saw movie, but definitely up there. I hope they crank these out for decades to come.

Moon -- Solid sci fi that makes "District 9" and "Avatar" look like really expensive student films. The entire movie is just Sam Rockwell and the voice of Kevin Spacey. That is really all you need. You don't need CGI for sci fi. You don't need giant aliens and themes that hit you over the head. Moon is full of twists, but not gotcha twists, twists that add to the depth of the story.
Drag Me to Hell -- Oh, Sam Raimi, how I've missed you. No one else can bring a horror movie with so many hilarious moments. I saw this movie in a mostly empty theatre. Me, my girlfriend, and one other couple left the movie with ear to ear smiles. Everyone else left confused. This is why I love Sam Raimi. He makes Sam Raimi movies, and nothing else. Luckily, Sam Raimi movies are brilliant. Sam Raimi, Sam Raimi, Sam Raimi.
Up -- It's not possible for Pixar to have a record this good. How do they do it? Statistically, they have to make one bad movie. They just don't. I'm glad I saw this as an adult because as a kid, it would have made me cry. It made me cry anyway, but as an adult, I can handle it. I've never seen a movie full of so much adventure and so much sadness.

Movies That Deserve a Sentence of Honor

I Love You, Man -- The word "bromance" cheapens the brilliance of telling a love story between two men that isn't gay but can still play up the emotional importance of male relationships.

Up in the Air -- I can watch George Clooney do anything, even fire people over and over and over again.

Taken -- What saves this movie from being a Bourne rip-off is that at its center it's about a loser father trying to prove himself to his not-so-easily-impressed daughter.

The Princess & The Frog -- When Disney isn't so mired in bullshit, they can actually crank out a movie with depth and beauty that doesn't sacrifice anything to tell a good story.

Watchmen -- A better director wouldn't have so missed the depth of this story, but then better directors tried and failed.

Inkheart -- It's like that Adam Sandler movie where the fairy tales come to life, but without the weight of being an intolerably crappy movie.

17 Again -- What sells this movie for me is how they treat the fantasy nerd that never grew up supporting character with enough respect as not mock the things he loves (see: the kids who think they're aliens in "Just One of the Boys")

If Dead Presidents Could Speak to Barack Obama...

Washington: Remember to hear both sides, but above all else, don’t side with either of them.


Jefferson: The government does not have the power to do anything, except when it does.


Quincy Adams: Don’t let other people take credit for your ideas



Jackson: If you take the bullet, you'll have plenty of time to shoot back



Harrison: Wear a coat



Taylor: Watch what you eat.



Johnson: They let a black guy become president?



TR: If you shoot first, you won’t have to take a bullet



Taft: Mmm... pie



Coolidge: ...



FDR: Ends justify the means, especially if the means are wide-spread fraud



LBJ: One bad decision can cancel out thousands of good decisions



Carter: Being president actually involves being president



(oh wait, Carter's not dead)

I Love Supporting Actors: Keith David

You know, this guy:
Notable Roles:

King - "Platoon"

Goliath - "Gargoyles"

Big Tim - "Requiem for a Dream"

Dr. Facilier - "The Princess and the Frog"



Why He's Awesome:

No long, drawn out gush fest. He's got the best pipes in animation and voice-over. Gargoyles's Goliath is the greatest cartoon character ever. The man can show up anywhere in a movie and command respect, laughs, or endless cringing as he insists Jennifer Connelly take a strap-on in the butt. He's the villain in the new Disney movie, and according to his IMDb, he has a dozen new projects coming soon. As long as he can speak, this man will work, and he will be awesome.

You'd Be Surprised to Learn:

While shooting "Platoon," he saved Charlie Sheen's life. During a helicopter scene, the Huey banked too hard, and Sheen would have fallen out the open door, plunging to his death, had it not been for David's quick reflexes.

Check out his imdb page.

"Death at a Funeral" Will Change Film History

And if it doesn't, we're just not trying hard enough.

Neil LaBute and Chris Rock are re-making Frank Oz's "Death at a Funeral," a movie released only two years ago. Oz's movie was pretty funny but far from perfect. Its box office draw was just ok, despite the involvement of Whedon mainstay Alan Tudyk and everyone's favorite little person Peter Dinklage. The brilliance of this re-make is how little time has past since the original.

This isn't "Ocean's 11" or"The Manchurian Candidate." This movie hasn't been around long enough for anyone to have a deep emotional connection to it, so now's the perfect time to build on the original. It had many problems, and better filmmakers have a responsibility to do better.

Everyone loves Frank Oz, but he's the guy who put Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro, and Edward Norton in a movie and turned it into a flop. Talented he is, a good filmmaker he is not. The studios gave him a few chances, and along the way, he got half way toward making some pretty good movies. Let's re-make all Frank Oz's movies, using a better filmmaking team. They could even re-team De Niro and Norton. That's not so far-fetched, Peter Dinklage is reprising his role in the new "Death at a Funeral."

Let's look even further in the future. Hollywood should start re-making every well-conceived, yet poorly executed movie. No need to look to decades past. Let's start with the "Star Wars" prequels.

The Donkey Party is Over

Part 11 of 12: Carter to H.W. Bush

The Republican Party dominated presidential politics from Lincoln right up to FDR, losing only 4 of 18 elections. The Democrats won 7 of the next 9 elections. The 10th and 11th elections were won by Nixon, who fucked up the entire executive branch of government by casting a shadow of corruption over the presidency. Seriously, all Carter had to do was not fuck things up, and Democrats could have run the country until the end of time...

James Earl Carter, Jr. (Governor, Democrat) 1977-1981 (1 full term) VP: Walter Mondale; FL: wife Rosalynn

... But Carter fucked up big time. It took him 3 years to figure out how presidenting worked. No one in Washington liked, or really respected him, even prominent members of his own party. He is the embodiment of good intentions backed up by less than zero political ability. By the time he got his footing, he had already pissed off everyone, started a gas shortage, and got a bunch of people kidnapped. At least he won a Nobel Prize, eventually.

Ronald Wilson Reagan (Governor, Republican) 1981-1989 (2 full terms) VP: George Bush; FL: wife Nancy

Had Reagan not spent the 20’s dreaming about becoming a movie star, he might have noticed that President Coolidge spent his time in office spending and deregulating the country into the Great Depression. Reagan, like Coolidge, was wildly popular, but he was all talk. Anyone can look at a calendar and claim Reagan freed the hostages in Iran and ended the Cold War, but look closer, and you’ll see that it's probable Reagan was barely aware of what was going on around him. All that tough talk people attribute to Reagan was just Hollywood grand standing, and if the Russians weren’t so weak to begin with, the Soviet Union would never have fallen. Despite rumors to the contrary, Reagan was not a great president. He was a great Republican, and his party has every right to credit him with pulling them out of the gutter.

George Herbert Walker Bush (VP, Republican) 1989-1993 (1 full term) VP: Dan Quayle; FL: wife Barbara

For all the flack he gets for flip-flopping on “read my lips,” Bush was an amazing half a president. His tax policy was just one example of his inability to lead at home. His foreign policy, however, was unmatched. His strong, wise leadership helped transition the world out of the Cold War. The man marched an international coalition into a a foreign nation that hadn’t declared war on any of them, and left without destabilizing the entire region. That takes cojones. That’s the double-edged sword of modern presidential politics. You can be a brilliant leader of the free world, but if you can’t match that by being the loving father of the US, you won’t get re-elected.

Next Up – Clinton to Obama: The Shit You Actually Remember

I Love Supporting Actors: Wallace Shawn

You know, this guy:
Notable Roles:

Vizzini - "The Princess Bride"

Mr. Wendell Hall - "Clueless"

Rex - "Toy Story 1, 2, 3-D"

Stuart Best - "Murphy Brown"



Why He's Awesome:

He was fucking Vizzini. I could stop there, but you know I won't. "Inconceivable." That's a ten cent word he single-handedly added to the general vernacular. In and of itself, it's not that funny a word, but his delivery hits it out of the park. Amazing. No one dies of iocane poison like Wallace Shawn. Because of him, we all know the two classic blunders (never get caught in a land ward in Asia, and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.) After working steadily for the next eight years, he comes back with another classic and totally different character, as the lovably hopeless Mr. Hall in the "Clueless" movie and TV series. I cannot think of a better match for Amy Heckerling's go-to gal Twink Caplan.

His best known voice work is Rex in the "Toy Story" movies, but that distinctive delivery of his can be heard all over the modern animated world from "The Incredibles" to "Chicken Little" to "Happily N'ever After" to "Family Guy" to, yes, "The Princess Bride" video game.

My favorite Wallace Shawn role, though, is a series of four guest spots he did on Murphy Brown as Stuart Best (possibly the best fictional name ever, combining ex-Beatles Stuart Sutcliffe and Pete Best). He plays a former FYI reporter, kicked off the show for being AMAZINGLY annoying. He even has his obnoxious, semi-folksy catch phrase, "That's alls I know." In his second appearance on the show, he wins a seat in the House of Representatives, and subsequently embarrasses Murphy at the inauguration. She gets her revenge by inviting him on the show to share his views, of which she knows he has none. Turns out, he was bankrolled by white supremacists. If you haven't seen the episode "The Best and Not-So Brightest" from the seventh season, I won't ruin it for you.

You'd Be Surprised to Learn:

He's a fairly successful playwright, having won several Off-Broadway awards. A troupe doing one of his plays beat my high school out of the finals at the Massachusetts High School Drama Guild One-Act Play Festival, and I'm still bitter about it. Also, today's his birthday.

Check out his imdb page.

Facebook Etiquette - Part 3

Part 3 - Comments

Commenting is maybe the diciest part of Facebook. As I pointed out in Part 2, Facebook makes everyone think all status updates are up for discussion. Hell, the internet now seems to be all about discussions. Videos, pictures, articles, everything has a comments section. Commenting is an easy way to connect with other people without having to come up with the topic of discussion. To avoid confrontation, a few things to think about before you hit "reply."

It's the poster's house, respect it - When I post something, it's like I'm hosting a mini-party. The item will show up on all my friends feeds, and those who decide to comment will be kept up to date on every subsequent comment. Since I'm the one who posted in the first place, the gathering of ideas is my event, and my responsibility if you start becoming an asshole. Before you post, keep in mind the conversation isn't yours, it's mine. If you want the conversation to be yours, start a new thread in your own space.

Read the status update carefully - Put yourself in the poster's shoes. Does this person really want to start a conversation? Is the poster looking for sympathy? Did the poster say something to elicit a response in any way? Or was the poster just rattling off nonsense cuz he or she was bored. Remember, every time you comment, someone's going to get an annoying e-mail about it.

Read the other comments first - If someone else has already said what you're thinking, you don't really need to say anything. If it's something you feel REALLY passionate about, go ahead and post that you've "Agreed" and maybe clarify a little more. Before you do, though, keep in mind that your comment will get e-mailed to all the other commenters. That can get annoying.

Ask yourself, "Do I need to comment on this?" - A great improv teacher once told me, "Before you enter a scene, ask yourself, 'Am I really adding to the scene, or do I just think this scene could use some Vitamin Me?'" Ask yourself that before you decide to comment. Are you really adding to the conversation, or are you just trying to get attention? If you're not adding to the conversation, you're just annoying, and seriously disrespecting my house. You don't NEED to comment on anything, so before you do, ask yourself why you feel the need to inject yourself. Seriously, is whatever you have to add to the conversation worth even the possibility someone could find it annoying?

Know when to take it to private messages - This goes for commenters and posters alike. The moment you get frustrated, take it to a private message. If the comments have evolved (or devolved) into a conversation involving only a couple of the commenters, start a private message thread. If someone's getting annoying and you don't want to delete the comment, send a private message with a polite request that the person stop, without having to embarrass the commenter in public. They taught me in film school, "Praise in public, scold in private." If your friend can't stand to be privately, politely asked to give it a rest, it may be time to look for the "Remove from Friends" button.

Okay, that's it. I've been stewing over this for several months now, and it feel good to get it all on paper-esque.