The Oscars Are Classy and You Can Suck It

The Hurt Locker won Best Picture, and as per usual, people are pissed. People were pissed at Crash, Shakespeare in Love, and Dances With Wolves. People will always be pissed. I say people get pissed because they don't get the Oscars. Their expectations are wrong going in. This year's Best Picture race best exemplified that. Let's take the top 2 contenders, Avatar and The Hurt Locker.

Avatar is by far and away the movie for which 2009 will be remembered. However people feel about 3-D (I personally think it adds nothing to filmmaking, yet) Avatar was the movie that made the form legitimate. A lot of movies have used it, but Avatar got people excited about it. It pushed films to the ends of what is possible because James Cameron is the only one who has proven he can experiment that wildly and still make money.

The Hurt Locker is, simply put, the only good Iraq War movie ever made. Making a movie about a war while it's still going on is tough. That's why Robert Altman made M*A*S*H about the Korean War, even though it was clearly about Vietnam. Hollywood's best attempts to capture our current Middle East quagmire result in crap like Jarhead and Stop-Loss. The Hurt Locker relies on nothing fancy, except solid filmmaking and a good story.

The Avatars of this world have legions of fans, billions of dollars, and total media exposure. The Hurt Lockers of this world have the Oscars. At the end of the day, money dictates filmmaking. The medium is incredibly expensive to do right. Without award shows, box office would be the only motivation to make films. Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time, and the story sucks. The film will move the medium forward, but it won't move society forward. Nobody came out of Avatar with a thought in their head they hadn't had before, and that's fine. People don't go to movies to think; they go to movies to be entertained, and that's why Hurt Lockers don't make lots of money. And that's fine. As a society, though, we must, from time to time, demand more than escapism from our artists. So says The West Wing,

"There is a connection between the progress of a society and progress in the arts. The age of Pericles was also the age of Phidias. The age of Lorenzo di Medici was also the age of Leonardo Di Vinci. The age of Elizabeth was the age of Shakespeare."

Simply put, art encourages and inspires the forward momentum of society.

The people with the money, studios and investors, need a concrete motivation to dump millions of dollars into movies with substance. The Oscars is it. The Academy rewards the kind of deep storytelling that box office numbers discourage. Studios like winning Oscars because Oscar exposure boosts box office numbers, and winning an Oscar makes investors want to give those people more money. Sure, the Oscars are just a night of self-congratulations, but they're congratulating each other for focusing at least some of their energy on making films that raise the bar artistically.

This is what I'm saying about people's expectations being wrong. Avatar didn't lose because the Academy hates Sci-Fi or hates popular movies. Avatar lost because the Academy hates shallow movies. If you go in expecting the Academy to reward popularity, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. If you think Avatar was the kind of deep, artistic film I've been talking about, you should read a book some time. If you think this means I think popular movies shouldn't win Oscars, I'll leave you with one last thought.

The Dark Knight, the third highest grossing film of all time, brought weight to the Superhero genre, which I love, and is already inspiring everyone else to do better. For that, it should have been at least nominated for last year's Best Picture. It wasn't, but its exclusion changed the way the Academy picks the top prize. The Academy is growing with society, but I hope it never gives up on depth.

I Love Supporting Actors: William Fichtner

You know, this guy:
Notable Roles:

Ryan Sparks - "Grace Under Fire"

Burke - "Go"

Justice Christopher Mulready - "The West Wing"

Bank Manager - "The Dark Knight"



Why He's Awesome:

Truth be told, I had the idea for this whole supporting actors thing during the opening sequence of "The Dark Knight." Nolan's Batman series has a predilection for great supporting actors, and as soon as I saw Fichtner, I knew his second movie would be even better than "Batman Begins." I've thought he was awesome since I first saw him as Grace's love interest on "Grace Under Fire." He was just so oddball, and so sincere.

In the second half of the '90s, he won roles in some of the most memorable movies of the decade: "Virtuosity," "Strange Days," "Heat," "Contact," "Armageddon," and "Go." In "Go," he went for it, like I had never seen before, playing a creepy-ass police officer, who turns out to be an Amway salesman way too comfortable being naked around other men. Since then, he has worked consistently in movies and TV, even showing up in the only episode of "The West Wing"'s season 5 that I liked, due in no small part to his portrayal of a hard-nosed Republican federal judge.

I hope he never becomes a leading man, and keeps doing what he's been doing for another 20 years.

You'd Be Surprised to Learn:

If you look closely, you'll see he wears in many of his roles a ring that once belonged to his grandfather.

Check out his imdb page.

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Mallrats

For years, I considered "Mallrats" to be one of my favorite movies. After a more recent viewing, I realized, the movie is, for the most part, enjoyable, but not as great as I thought it was. In the wake of Kevin Smith's Southwest Airlines run-in, I'm realizing more and more that his movies, while genius to teenagers, don't have the substance I once thought they did. How is it I thought this movie was so great?

The reason was one good scene.

The movie centers around Jeremy London's T. S. trying desperately to win his girlfriend Brandy back from the clutches of her father, who's trying to stage a Dating Game update at a mall. The gem of the movie turns out to be Jason Lee, in the role that started his star trajectory. Lee's Brody is a comic book geek who spends all his time at the mall, but Lee sells his bullshit as if he's Aristotle. He's smug and sarcastic and unavoidably loveable.

In a big, final attempt to win back his love, T. S. sneaks himself and Brody onto her father's "Truth or Date." Brody takes over the show. His snarky answers and comments are a testament to Smith's writing ability, but moreso, they show a star bursting out of a role too small for his talent. He beats on the host, the loser third contestant suitor, and the ridiculousness of the very idea that anyone could reboot The Dating Game. I keep keep blathering, but I'll just close with a quote:


Brandy: Second Suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?
Brody: I already did once today. But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of a sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning round, going out of control. He decides it's all over, whips it out and starts beating it right there. All the passengers take a cue from him they whip it out and start beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off plummeting to their certain doom when all of a sudden the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces, or whatever, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Suitor #3: Did he come or what?
Brody: Jesus Christ, Gil! There are just some things you don't talk about in public.

Election 1824: Enter Andrew Jackson

In a feat never repeated (yet) Democratic-Republicans Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe completed three 2-term administrations in a row. Monroe did such a good job of bringing all sides together; the so-called “Era of Good Feelings” destroyed both the Federalist and Democratic-Republican parties. Everything was great. No one had any real issues to complain about or rally behind. What emerged were sectional leaders, who accepted the nomination of their home-state’s caucus.

The Contenders


(left to right)
Speaker of the House Henry Clay (KY) – Although he couldn’t just come out and say it, Henry Clay was a Hamiltonian who believed bigger government was the solution to all major problems. A master negotiator, he brokered the Missouri Compromise, which put the slavery issue in a drawer for nearly 30 years.

Senator, General Andrew Jackson (TN) –In the Battle of New Orleans, fought after the War of 1812 ended, Jackson kicked way more British ass than any battle during the war. He became an instant national celebrity. There was no question, this man was going to be President.

Secretary of State John Quincy Adams (MA) – Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe had all parlayed their time as Sec. of State to the presidency, so Adams seemed the natural successor. It didn't hurt that in 1820, he won the only electoral vote not awarded to President Monroe.

Secretary of the Treasury William H. Crawford (GA) – Crawford unsuccessfully ran against Monroe in 1816. His presidential ambition made him effective at his job but annoying to basically everyone.

The Fight

Despite some pretty major philosophical differences, all the candidates were publicly Jeffersonians. The contest would come down to personality. Jackson was the biggest figure to hit the American people since George Washington himself. John Quincy was the elite heir to the Adams family. Clay was the great orator of the Congress. Crawford had dared to take on the great James Monroe. Without formal political parties, it really was a free-for-all.

Predictably, the sections of the country that nominated their candidates stuck to them on election day. Adams carried New England and New York; Clay found success in the West, and Crawford held his own in the South, even though he had suffered a debilitating stroke. Jackson was the only candidate to seriously cross regional lines. By a 15 vote margin, Jackson won a decisive plurality of electoral votes. Adams won 2nd, Crawford 3rd, and Clay 4th. That's right, Clay lost to a stroke victim. Since no one won a full majority, the results once again deferred to the House of Representatives.

The Constitution stated that the Congress would have to decide between the top three vote getters. The issue at hand was who would get Clay’s 37 electoral votes.  Clay’s role as Speaker gave him a ridiculous amount of authority over these results. Rumor has it, he made a deal with Adams, which would explain how Clay ended up as President JQA’s Secretary of State. Jackson's pissed off supporters immediately cried fix, feeling their people's champion had been usurped by the big, scary, corrupt government.

The Title

Adams was a shittier politician than his father, and he was thrown into the most volatile political situation than, well, his father. He implemented massive internal improvements, which would have been perceived as benevolent if he could sell it that way. He couldn't. He was so hated, his own Vice President turned on him. He did, however, spend a lot of time swimming naked in the Potomac.

Jacksonsonians went and turned themselves into the Democratic Party. Crawford's running mate Martin Van Buren mobilized Democrats into an organized effort to undermine President Adams, villify Clay, and get Jackson elected in 1828. In 2 terms as president, he beat the shit out of everyone, destroying the Bank of the US, turning the army on South Carolina, and changing the presidency forever.

Crawford died 10 years later, a Georgia superior court judge.

Clay fucking hated Andrew Jackson. He thought the former general was a tyrant whose single-minded style of leadership would turn this great country into a dictatorship. After his failed run against Jackson in 1832, he established the Whig Party, which formed under the single goal of taking down Andrew Jackson. With a loser like Clay at the helm, it took a while for their platform to really gel.

Next Up – Election 1840: A Cult of Personality

I Love Supporting Actors: Jane Lynch

You know, this gal:
Notable Roles:

Christy Cummings - "Best in Show"

Paula - "The 40 Year Old Virgin"

Gayle Sweeny - "Role Models"

Sue Sylvester - "Glee"



Why She's Awesome:

Nowadays, she's everywhere. She's so ubiquitous, you might think she'd always been so. Her style is always so out there, so funny, you'd think that's the way she's always been. Did you know she played a press room reporter on "The West Wing?" She is far more versatile than anyone gives her credit for. She doesn't need to be, though. She plays out there better than anyone. Surrounded by the Christopher Guest regulars, she stood out in "Best in Show."

Since "The 40 Year Old Virgin," she has finally moved out front and center. She plays crazy more straighly and more honestly than anyone. Love or hate "Role Models," you know you enjoyed, even looked forward to every time she was on screen. Never has youth volunteering been so overtly creepy. She finally has earned her place on a successful TV series, giving her the opportunity to build a character as only Jane Lynch can.

You'd Be Surprised to Learn:

In "A Mighty Wind," she actually played guitar and did her own singing.

Check out her imdb page.

11 Most Annoying "24" Subplots...

... that aren't nearly as grating as this season's Dana Walsh's double-life subplot.

SPOILER ALERT

Some B plots move the story forward and add to the overall sense of constantly rising stakes and tension. Some B plots involve Dana Walsh and her inexplicable past that didn't prevent her from getting a high-level government security job but who also did such a bad job covering it up that her ex-con ex-boyfriend just sort of found her. In a show like 24, you have to fill time, and sometimes, that filler just make you want to cringe in disgust.

(1) Kim babysits for an adorable girl whose father ends up murdering his wife, whose body ends up in the car she takes from him, oh then the police find the body in the trunk and arrest her (season 2)

(2) CTU Director Driscoll can't run this operation because her daughter has some sort of after school special style Bi-polar Disorder (season 4)

(3) Teri gets amnesia (season 1)

(4) Cute blond guy whose family has money problems comes back from spring break with a bag of coke, and a deadly virus, and somehow I still don’t care. (season 3)

(5) Kim faces off with a cougar, yes, a cougar, and gets saved by Kevin Dillon, yes, Kevin Dillon, who locks her in his bomb shelter, yes, it was tedious. (season 2)

(6) Sherry Palmer returns to handle a delicate situation by killing a rich dude and convincing his girlfriend to just go with it (season 3)

(7) Lynn McGill spends way much time dealing with his druggy sister before she mugs him and takes his CTU ID badge (season 5)

(8) Genocidal Colonel Dubaku, a secret romantic, falls in love with a waitress, whose life is apparently more important than a massive plot to overthrow the U.S.government (season 7)

(9) Basically all of season 6 (bluetooth guy is Jack's brother, Audrey has PTSD, Ricky Schroder)

(10) Kim and Chloe babysitting Chase's baby is somehow more important than the terrorist plot going on outside. (season 3)

(11) Behrooz Araz: "But mo-o-o-o-o-om. I don't wanna be a terrorist" :-( (season 4)

More Thoughts on Facebook's New Layout

DISCLAIMER: The following is for the appreciation of those of you I know already agree with my sentiment. These thoughts are for the most part extremes way beyond how I really feel, but I think pretty well nail my side of this issue. If you think this might offend you, please stop reading.

Some Facebook statuses I decided against posting:

• When you revolutionize social media, you get to start complaining.
• If you don't like Facebook's new layout, get your own site. What's that you say, a web site would cost money? Exactly! Facebook is 100% FREE. You sound like the crazy guy at the soup kitchen complaining there isn't enough Minestrone.
• When I start my own social media site, I won't change a thing until I personally poll every single one of the millions of users and make sure they're all cool with it first. I predict one minor change every 20 years or so. That should be plenty to keep up with an ever-changing and evolving market
• In order to continue offering you a free service, Facebook has to keep evolving to prove to the people paying for you to social network that Facebook continues to be a worthwhile investment. If dozens of updates later you haven't figured out they do this without consulting you, maybe you might consider going back to telegraph or letter writing.
• Facebook shares your personal information with any number of third party companies or other entities. Lack of proper education for Facebook's younger users has led to predators using information kids unwisely post to track them down and abduct them. The short-hand way Facebook encourages people to communicate is re-socializing us to feel less sympathy for our friends' traumas. But, holy shit, they moved the sidebar to the other side! How dare they?

Election 1800 - A Second Revolution

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson had been close friends, kindred spirits since the First Continental Congress. While serving as diplomats in France, their friendship became akin to kinship. While serving in Washington's administration, their philosophical differences tore them apart. That fight turned into opposing political parties: Federalists and Democratic-Republicans.

The Contenders:

Quick rules lesson: Back then electors voted for two men, one of which had to be from a different state. The winner was president, runner-up vice president. That's why each party chose two candidates, and that's why each party chose a Northerner and a Southerner. That's also why in 1796 the president and vice president were from different parties.

President John Adams (Federalist-MA) - Having grown up among the working men, he believed they could not be trusted with the important decisions, even who got to be president. As president, he ignored public opinion and refused to get involved in the French Revolution. To quell opposition, he passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, which allowed him to deport protesters and jail anyone who spoke out or wrote against him.


Vice President Thomas Jefferson (Democratic-Republican-VA) - Having grown up among the uber-rich, he believed the aristocracy couldn't be trusted to act in the best interest of the people. He saw the Adams presidency as a symbol of that distrust. The Federalist party, he thought, would re-form the government into the very monarchy we had just fought to remove.



Former Senator Aaron Burr (Democratic-Republican-NJ) - Having grown up in chaos, served in the Revolutionary War in chaos, and wallowed in financial chaos, he sought escape in politics. His only real political philosophy was that he deserved to be in power, and nothing should stand in the way of that.




Former Minister to France Charles Cotesworth "C.C." Pinckney (Federalist-SC) - Just think of him as the Federalist who isn't John Adams.






Former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton (Federalist, Nevis) - The story would not be complete without mentioning Alexander Hamilton. Born on the island of Nevis, Hamilton could never be president, but he used his position as Washington's trusted advisor to take over the first president's policy direction. When Adams won in 1796, Hamilton filled his cabinet with Hamiltonian loyalists who reported to their leader before the president. Alexander Hamilton enjoyed absolute control until late 1800 when Adams finally grew a pair and fired the Hamiltonians from his cabinet.

The Fight:

Federalist newspapers ripped Jefferson apart, while the Sedition Act stopped Republican papers from doing the same to Adams. In response, the Republicans built their party like never before. In early 1800, they won the majority of the staunchly Federalist New York legislature, and their electoral votes.

Hamilton, in a last ditch effort to get his way, wrote a 54-page missive publicly ripping Adams a new asshole, in hopes Federalist electors would move toward Pinckney. On election day, Federalist votes were all over the place. The win in New York tipped the election to the Republicans for the first time in history. Jefferson and Burr tied with 73 electoral votes.

The tie went to the House of Representatives.For 33 ballots, they deadlocked as back rooms filled with Congressmen making deal after deal. Hamilton, who had long supported Jefferson over Burr as the lesser of two evils, finally got to one of those Representatives, and on the 34th ballot Jefferson won. Finally.

The Title:

In his inaugural address, Jefferson called his victory "a Second Revolution." The people didn't like the direction the government was going, so they went in a different direction and proved democracy could work. He won re-election in 1804.

After Hamilton stopped Burr from winning the New York governorship, Burr shot Hamilton and disappeared into the West, where he died at a ripe old, crazy age.

Pinckney became the go-to Federalist candidate for a few more elections.

Adams had trouble getting over losing to a man clearly more liked than himself. Eventually, he and Jefferson reconciled and corresponded over 150 times during the last 14 years of their lives. They both died July 4, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

Next Up - Election 1824: Enter Andrew Jackson

Football's Fucking Exciting

Both of my teams, Patriots and Eagles, are safely in the playoffs. Both are also trying to line themselves up for optimal schedules in the post-season. Nine of this week’s 16 games have playoff implications. The 6 NFC playoff teams are all locked in, but 4 of them (Eagles, Vikings, Cardinals and Cowboys) could reach the coveted #2 spot and the first round bye with which it comes. The Patriots and Bengals are in play for the #3 AFC spot, which automatically avoids the Colts in round 2. Speaking of the AFC, both Wild Card slots are up for grabs to 7 different teams (Jets, Ravens, Broncos, Texans, Steelers all 8-7; Dolphins, Jaguars both 7-8)

NOTE: Understanding all this requires understanding NFL’s tie-breaking procedures.

Games That Don’t Matter:

Unless you live in one of these 14 cities, the outcomes of these games do not matter.



The NFC Climb to #2:
Saints have locked up #1. If the Eagles and the Packers win, regardless of the Vikings result, the NFC will be #2 Eagles, #3 Vikings, #4 Cardinals, #5 Packers, #6 Cowboys. If the Eagles win, Vikings lose, and Cardinals win, Cardinals take #3 and Vikings drop to #4. If the Cowboys win, use this handy chart to figure out results based on the other two games:

MIN/ARI win #2 Vikings #3 Cardinals #4 Cowboys #5 Eagles #6 Packers

MIN/GB win #2 Vikings #3 Cowboys #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

GB win #2 Cowboys #3 Vikings #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

ARI win #2 Cardinals #3 Cowboys #4 Vikings #5 Eagles #6 Packers

In other words, watch the Eagles/Cowboys game if you can.

The AFC Cluster Fuck to the Wild Card:
This is the 1:00 game to watch. Both teams are fighting for a chance at the playoffs. If the Steelers win, a long combination of other wins and losses this week could give them a second chance at redeeming a blown season. If the Dolphins win and all 5 of the other teams lose, they would actually get in.
In a tie-breaker, the Jaguars would actually fare pretty well. If the Jaguars win, they might have a shot at the #5 spot even. If they lose, they’re out.

The Patriots want the #3 spot. That means if they win the first playoff game, they go onto the Chargers instead of the Colts. That also means they have to win this game. If the Texans win and no less than two of Jets, Ravens, Broncos lose they’re in for the first time in franchise history.
It’s very simple. If the Ravens win, they’re in. If they win, and the Jets lose, they’re #5. If they win and the Jets win, they’re #6. If the Ravens lose, they’re out.
The Broncos do not control their own fate. Winning, of course, makes their playoff hopes more likely, but if they lose, and so do a bunch of other teams, they could make it in anyway. Statistically, they have the best chance of making the playoffs.
There’s a good reason this is the 8:20 game. The Jets are the only team right now that completely controls its own fate. If they win, they’re the #5 team. If they lose, they’re out. For the Bengals, if they win and the Patriots lose, they get the #3 slot. These all or nothing stakes, and the recent loss of Bengal receiver Chris Henry, make this game the most worthy of the primetime slot.

The Shit You Actually Remember

Part 12 of 12: Clinton to Obama

Now for the big question: Why did I do this? Why did I spend my free time putting this all together? I didn’t realize the answer until I started the research. Never before has the adage, “those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it,” been clearer to me. It made me reflect first on this latest election, then work my way backwards. If we all knew more about our own history, we wouldn’t be so quick to repeat it.

William "Jefferson Clinton" Blythe III (Governor, Democrat) 1993-2001 (2 full terms) VP: Al Gore; FL: wife Hillary

Clinton should have learned from Wilson. Bubba gets a lot of flack for encouraging people to buy houses, leading to sub-prime mortgages, leading to the recession. His real problem was not Republican-proofing his plans. Dude, learn from history: Americans fear change. In the modern age, before you reform, you must make your policies regressive-proof. If you push too much reform, you will be handing the presidency over to the Republicans. Oh, and while we’re at it, Gore’s an idiot. You can’t under-estimate your VP choice. I will argue til I’m blue that Lieberman’s the reason he lost, like Ferraro brought down Dukakis, Quayle brought down Bush, and Palin brought down McCain.

George Walker Bush (Governor, Republican) 2001-2009 (2 full terms) VP: Dick Cheney; FL: wife Laura

If Bush had paid attention to history, the Republican Party might not be in such disarray. Bush took a Harding-like approach and overturned everything Clinton accomplished, both the good with the bad. Thus, he falls somewhere near Harding in overall job performance. Had he followed the Eisenhower approach of trying to continue Clinton’s reforms, we may have avoided the recession. In the end, it was our own faults he got re-elected. How did we let him use “flip-flopper” as a negative? Lincoln’s giant flip-flop from conservative to liberal saved the Union and ended slavery.

Barack Hussein Obama (Senator, Democrat) 2009-Present (1 term) VP: Joe Biden; FL: wife Michelle

Obama just needs to learn from general precedent. He's simply not going to get re-elected. If he wins in 2012, it will be the first time since Jefferson-Madison-Monroe that three presidents in a row successfully completed two full terms. Presidents elected in a wave of backlash against the current administration (Pierce, Harrison, Carter) rarely get re-elected. Presidents presiding over an economic downturn without clear and concise recovery (Van Buren, Hoover, Carter) hardly ever make it. Washington outsiders who lack the political skill to pass bills (Carter) usually cannot rally for a second win. With all this stacked against him, the question remains, why the fuck isn't he trying harder? Always with the coalition building. For a short period of time, he has a slight majority in both houses of Congress. Why the hell isn't he forcing through a Jacksonian or Teddy Rooseveltian wave of unbridled reform? Screw the second term, like Polk did in 1848. Dude, just step up and say "I'm the president, and I'm going to fix EVERYTHING right now, and I'm going to it my way. If when I'm done you feel like I've made your life better, vote for me. If not, fuck you." Seriously, Barack, you're not going to win in 2012, so stop trying to be Mr. Popular and starting being a fucking president.

Next Up - I'm going to do this same thing next year, but it will be 12 months, 12 elections.