Football's Fucking Exciting

Both of my teams, Patriots and Eagles, are safely in the playoffs. Both are also trying to line themselves up for optimal schedules in the post-season. Nine of this week’s 16 games have playoff implications. The 6 NFC playoff teams are all locked in, but 4 of them (Eagles, Vikings, Cardinals and Cowboys) could reach the coveted #2 spot and the first round bye with which it comes. The Patriots and Bengals are in play for the #3 AFC spot, which automatically avoids the Colts in round 2. Speaking of the AFC, both Wild Card slots are up for grabs to 7 different teams (Jets, Ravens, Broncos, Texans, Steelers all 8-7; Dolphins, Jaguars both 7-8)

NOTE: Understanding all this requires understanding NFL’s tie-breaking procedures.

Games That Don’t Matter:

Unless you live in one of these 14 cities, the outcomes of these games do not matter.



The NFC Climb to #2:
Saints have locked up #1. If the Eagles and the Packers win, regardless of the Vikings result, the NFC will be #2 Eagles, #3 Vikings, #4 Cardinals, #5 Packers, #6 Cowboys. If the Eagles win, Vikings lose, and Cardinals win, Cardinals take #3 and Vikings drop to #4. If the Cowboys win, use this handy chart to figure out results based on the other two games:

MIN/ARI win #2 Vikings #3 Cardinals #4 Cowboys #5 Eagles #6 Packers

MIN/GB win #2 Vikings #3 Cowboys #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

GB win #2 Cowboys #3 Vikings #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

ARI win #2 Cardinals #3 Cowboys #4 Vikings #5 Eagles #6 Packers

In other words, watch the Eagles/Cowboys game if you can.

The AFC Cluster Fuck to the Wild Card:
This is the 1:00 game to watch. Both teams are fighting for a chance at the playoffs. If the Steelers win, a long combination of other wins and losses this week could give them a second chance at redeeming a blown season. If the Dolphins win and all 5 of the other teams lose, they would actually get in.
In a tie-breaker, the Jaguars would actually fare pretty well. If the Jaguars win, they might have a shot at the #5 spot even. If they lose, they’re out.

The Patriots want the #3 spot. That means if they win the first playoff game, they go onto the Chargers instead of the Colts. That also means they have to win this game. If the Texans win and no less than two of Jets, Ravens, Broncos lose they’re in for the first time in franchise history.
It’s very simple. If the Ravens win, they’re in. If they win, and the Jets lose, they’re #5. If they win and the Jets win, they’re #6. If the Ravens lose, they’re out.
The Broncos do not control their own fate. Winning, of course, makes their playoff hopes more likely, but if they lose, and so do a bunch of other teams, they could make it in anyway. Statistically, they have the best chance of making the playoffs.
There’s a good reason this is the 8:20 game. The Jets are the only team right now that completely controls its own fate. If they win, they’re the #5 team. If they lose, they’re out. For the Bengals, if they win and the Patriots lose, they get the #3 slot. These all or nothing stakes, and the recent loss of Bengal receiver Chris Henry, make this game the most worthy of the primetime slot.

The World Needs More... (part 1)

Sports Teams with Names That Aren't Plurals
(Orlando Magic, Oklahoma City Thunder, Minnesota Wild, Tampa Bay Lightning)

Plural team names imply the coming of many together under one banner. Who needs teamwork anyway? Any dumb football or baseball team can just take a thing and pluralize it. Washington Redskins, that's just a bunch of dudes deciding they want to be racists. If I were a professional athlete, I'd want to play under the banner of an abstract concept, like magic, or a really loud bang. Which would you rather play a game of hockey against, Senators or Lightning?

Non-Horror Movies with 3+ Sequels
(Die Hard, Superman, Fast/Furious, Star Wars)

Horror movies have really nailed filmmaking. Just create a really good character and have him do the same thing in a bunch of different situations, like putting him in space. Just imagine the end of Godfather 4, so many people would die in a sweet montage. The Matrix hit a snag with 2 and 3, redeem yourselves, Wachowskis, by making 3 more movies, just to let us in on more of that sweet mythology. The X-Men took a last stand, but I think they have a few more stands in them. Die Hard 4 rocked. Superman 4 and 5, amazing. Why stop there? Spin offs galore. I want to know Anton Chigurgh's back story, don't you?

Watery Beers
(Tecate, Natural Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Keystone Light)

Tecate must be the best beer of all time. They sell it in 30 packs because it takes about thirty before you start tasting the beer. It's great because you can have a beverage that barely qualifies as alcohol, but you can feel cool because you're "getting drunk." Can you feel the buzz? I can. Even better than Tecate? That's right, Tecate Light.

Bars
(Pat's, Cheers, New Angle)

Bars recently have started adding things like those little touch screen game dealies or karaoke to get us to hang out there. Why? Do we really need an excuse to buy drink after drink of cheap alcohol that we can pick up at a Ralph's for half the price? Bars may be the ultimate business model. They don't waste electricity on lighting, they only need about 3 servers/bartenders no matter how big the crowd gets, and they get tons of word of mouth. As an added bonus, bars are the perfect place to find quality ladies. I met my girlfriend at a bar.

Sarcasm/Cynicism/Irony
(Your Mom, Keith Olberman, Atheists, Alanis)

Honest emotional communication is fucking hard. It's much easier to hide behind jokes. This way I can bitch and moan and insult and complain without having to take any real responsibility for it. Even harder than sarcasm is seeing the positive side of people where they're all such idiots and assholes. Once I figure out the definition of irony, I'm going to dedicate myself to replacing all honest artistic expression with it.

Give Michael Vick a Chance

I've been giving this whole issue a lot of thought. Without a doubt, his dog fighting was absolutely deplorable. It is a hell of a lot worse than the violent crime, spousal abuse, and drug use the rest of the NFL is known for. Let's get real, most football players are violent thugs. At least they're channeling their violent tendencies toward a game, as opposed to the streets. Michael Vick rises to the top of this shit pile, though. Those poor dogs. Even the ones that survived his torture will have to be put to sleep because he's trained them to be killers.

It would be easy to get riled up and bring the protesters together to boycott the Eagles organization. Karmically, Vick should end up on the Lions. He should have to play his heart out week after week, only to lose over and over again. A cushy gig where he gets to sit on the sidelines for 6 or more weeks, while he collects his $1.2 million seems to spit in the eye of dogs and animal lovers everywhere. I think everyone's first reaction was to get pissed off.

On the other hand, Andy Reid has two kids in jail. Yes, they're drug offenders not puppy killers, but see it from Reid's perspective. The American system of justice is based on the idea of rehabilitation. If Vick can get a second chance, so can all those drug offenders wrongfully jailed just for buying pot. We can all whine about how hard we are on drug offenders, and how we're not hard enough on puppy killers, but this is the world we live in, and in this world, criminals are supposed to get a second chance.

But a second chance shouldn't mean a $1.2 million paycheck, right? For Michael Vick, it does. Let's put aside for a second that he's wildly talented. The ASPCA has come out in support of Vick's re-instatement. They say let's put this guy front and center, so he can publically denounce himself. He has spent the last 18 months thinking about what he's done, and he now honestly believes what he did was wrong. He has been going around the country trying to keep kids away from what he's done. And it's working!

We're all afraid of teaching kids that sports heroes can get away with anything, but look at the other side. We're also teaching felons that if they try hard enough and apply themselves, they can re-enter society. Vick isn't getting special treatment because he's a celebrity; he's a celebrity because he works his ass off. The prisons are full of repeat offenders, most of which are drug addicts. Prisons are a drain on our economy, and maybe giving Vick a second chance will be a first step toward turning inmates into functioning members of society.

Go Eagles!

Michael Vick? Now I'm Fucked

The Philadelphia Eagles just signed Michael Vick. Awesome.

My family's from Philadelphia, but I grew up near Boston. I am simultaneously a Patriots fan and an Eagles fan. Impossible, you say? Fuck you. I like two teams, deal with it. In a head-to-head like today's game, I root for the Patriots. You know what, though? It makes football more enjoyable. Football's a better game when you really care about one team, and I get twice as many games I really care about. The 2003-2004 post-season was fucking intense as I watched my two teams run inevitably toward each other. Since then, being a dual fan has been even harder because everyone expects me to pick a side.

Outside Boston, being a Patriots fan sucks. Why am I a Pats fan? Well, because I grew up like five minutes from Foxboro Stadium. They were my team before I even know what football was. Since they started winning Super Bowls, everyone's started hating them, like people have despised the Yankees for years. Since they started winning, I've liked them even more. They're just a solid team. The offense always keeps you guessing, and the defense, while not perfect, has some of the best players in the league.

That whole cheating thing just made matters worse. All you babies still pissed off that my boys killed your sweet winning streak five years ago get to whine about how the Pats didn't deserve their way to three Super Bowl wins. I deal with it because I love my team.

Now the Eagles signed Michael Vick. Football prowess aside, signing Vick means quite simply that the Eagles organization is okay with dog fighting. Before he got arrested, I loved Michael Vick. I was emotionally invested in hoping he'd mature into the great quarterback he had the potential to be. After the dog fighting came to light, my investment in Vick ended. It doesn't fucking matter how well he plays the game, he forces cute puppies into harm's way. When he was re-enstated, I figured the Lions would pick him up. Their desperation gives them an excuse to look the other way. There is no excuse for the Eagles to sign him.

So great. My teams are cheaters and puppy killers. Awesome.