function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener("load", function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } }


orig

Monday, February 22, 2010

Election 1824: Enter Andrew Jackson

In a feat never repeated (yet) Democratic-Republicans Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe completed three 2-term administrations in a row. Monroe did such a good job of bringing all sides together; the so-called “Era of Good Feelings” destroyed both the Federalist and Democratic-Republican parties. Everything was great. No one had any real issues to complain about or rally behind. What emerged were sectional leaders, who accepted the nomination of their home-state’s caucus.

The Contenders


(left to right)
Speaker of the House Henry Clay (KY) – Although he couldn’t just come out and say it, Henry Clay was a Hamiltonian who believed bigger government was the solution to all major problems. A master negotiator, he brokered the Missouri Compromise, which put the slavery issue in a drawer for nearly 30 years.

Senator, General Andrew Jackson (TN) –In the Battle of New Orleans, fought after the War of 1812 ended, Jackson kicked way more British ass than any battle during the war. He became an instant national celebrity. There was no question, this man was going to be President.

Secretary of State John Quincy Adams (MA) – Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe had all parlayed their time as Sec. of State to the presidency, so Adams seemed the natural successor. It didn't hurt that in 1820, he won the only electoral vote not awarded to President Monroe.

Secretary of the Treasury William H. Crawford (GA) – Crawford unsuccessfully ran against Monroe in 1816. His presidential ambition made him effective at his job but annoying to basically everyone.

The Fight

Despite some pretty major philosophical differences, all the candidates were publicly Jeffersonians. The contest would come down to personality. Jackson was the biggest figure to hit the American people since George Washington himself. John Quincy was the elite heir to the Adams family. Clay was the great orator of the Congress. Crawford had dared to take on the great James Monroe. Without formal political parties, it really was a free-for-all.

Predictably, the sections of the country that nominated their candidates stuck to them on election day. Adams carried New England and New York; Clay found success in the West, and Crawford held his own in the South, even though he had suffered a debilitating stroke. Jackson was the only candidate to seriously cross regional lines. By a 15 vote margin, Jackson won a decisive plurality of electoral votes. Adams won 2nd, Crawford 3rd, and Clay 4th. That's right, Clay lost to a stroke victim. Since no one won a full majority, the results once again deferred to the House of Representatives.

The Constitution stated that the Congress would have to decide between the top three vote getters. The issue at hand was who would get Clay’s 37 electoral votes.  Clay’s role as Speaker gave him a ridiculous amount of authority over these results. Rumor has it, he made a deal with Adams, which would explain how Clay ended up as President JQA’s Secretary of State. Jackson's pissed off supporters immediately cried fix, feeling their people's champion had been usurped by the big, scary, corrupt government.

The Title

Adams was a shittier politician than his father, and he was thrown into the most volatile political situation than, well, his father. He implemented massive internal improvements, which would have been perceived as benevolent if he could sell it that way. He couldn't. He was so hated, his own Vice President turned on him. He did, however, spend a lot of time swimming naked in the Potomac.

Jacksonsonians went and turned themselves into the Democratic Party. Crawford's running mate Martin Van Buren mobilized Democrats into an organized effort to undermine President Adams, villify Clay, and get Jackson elected in 1828. In 2 terms as president, he beat the shit out of everyone, destroying the Bank of the US, turning the army on South Carolina, and changing the presidency forever.

Crawford died 10 years later, a Georgia superior court judge.

Clay fucking hated Andrew Jackson. He thought the former general was a tyrant whose single-minded style of leadership would turn this great country into a dictatorship. After his failed run against Jackson in 1832, he established the Whig Party, which formed under the single goal of taking down Andrew Jackson. With a loser like Clay at the helm, it took a while for their platform to really gel.

Next Up – Election 1840: A Cult of Personality

Labels: ,

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Election 1800 - A Second Revolution

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson had been close friends, kindred spirits since the First Continental Congress. While serving as diplomats in France, their friendship became akin to kinship. While serving in Washington's administration, their philosophical differences tore them apart. That fight turned into opposing political parties: Federalists and Democratic-Republicans.

The Contenders:

Quick rules lesson: Back then electors voted for two men, one of which had to be from a different state. The winner was president, runner-up vice president. That's why each party chose two candidates, and that's why each party chose a Northerner and a Southerner. That's also why in 1796 the president and vice president were from different parties.

President John Adams (Federalist-MA) - Having grown up among the working men, he believed they could not be trusted with the important decisions, even who got to be president. As president, he ignored public opinion and refused to get involved in the French Revolution. To quell opposition, he passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, which allowed him to deport protesters and jail anyone who spoke out or wrote against him.


Vice President Thomas Jefferson (Democratic-Republican-VA) - Having grown up among the uber-rich, he believed the aristocracy couldn't be trusted to act in the best interest of the people. He saw the Adams presidency as a symbol of that distrust. The Federalist party, he thought, would re-form the government into the very monarchy we had just fought to remove.



Former Senator Aaron Burr (Democratic-Republican-NJ) - Having grown up in chaos, served in the Revolutionary War in chaos, and wallowed in financial chaos, he sought escape in politics. His only real political philosophy was that he deserved to be in power, and nothing should stand in the way of that.




Former Minister to France Charles Cotesworth "C.C." Pinckney (Federalist-SC) - Just think of him as the Federalist who isn't John Adams.






Former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton (Federalist, Nevis) - The story would not be complete without mentioning Alexander Hamilton. Born on the island of Nevis, Hamilton could never be president, but he used his position as Washington's trusted advisor to take over the first president's policy direction. When Adams won in 1796, Hamilton filled his cabinet with Hamiltonian loyalists who reported to their leader before the president. Alexander Hamilton enjoyed absolute control until late 1800 when Adams finally grew a pair and fired the Hamiltonians from his cabinet.

The Fight:

Federalist newspapers ripped Jefferson apart, while the Sedition Act stopped Republican papers from doing the same to Adams. In response, the Republicans built their party like never before. In early 1800, they won the majority of the staunchly Federalist New York legislature, and their electoral votes.

Hamilton, in a last ditch effort to get his way, wrote a 54-page missive publicly ripping Adams a new asshole, in hopes Federalist electors would move toward Pinckney. On election day, Federalist votes were all over the place. The win in New York tipped the election to the Republicans for the first time in history. Jefferson and Burr tied with 73 electoral votes.

The tie went to the House of Representatives.For 33 ballots, they deadlocked as back rooms filled with Congressmen making deal after deal. Hamilton, who had long supported Jefferson over Burr as the lesser of two evils, finally got to one of those Representatives, and on the 34th ballot Jefferson won. Finally.

The Title:


In his inaugural address, Jefferson called his victory "a Second Revolution." The people didn't like the direction the government was going, so they went in a different direction and proved democracy could work. He won re-election in 1804.

After Hamilton stopped Burr from winning the New York governorship, Burr shot Hamilton and disappeared into the West, where he died at a ripe old, crazy age.

Pinckney became the go-to Federalist candidate for a few more elections.

Adams had trouble getting over losing to a man clearly more liked than himself. Eventually, he and Jefferson reconciled and corresponded over 150 times during the last 14 years of their lives. They both died July 4, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

Next Up - Election 1824: Enter Andrew Jackson

Labels: ,

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Shit You Actually Remember

Part 12 of 12: Clinton to Obama

Now for the big question: Why did I do this? Why did I spend my free time putting this all together? I didn’t realize the answer until I started the research. Never before has the adage, “those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it,” been clearer to me. It made me reflect first on this latest election, then work my way backwards. If we all knew more about our own history, we wouldn’t be so quick to repeat it.

William "Jefferson Clinton" Blythe III (Governor, Democrat) 1993-2001 (2 full terms) VP: Al Gore; FL: wife Hillary

Clinton should have learned from Wilson. Bubba gets a lot of flack for encouraging people to buy houses, leading to sub-prime mortgages, leading to the recession. His real problem was not Republican-proofing his plans. Dude, learn from history: Americans fear change. In the modern age, before you reform, you must make your policies regressive-proof. If you push too much reform, you will be handing the presidency over to the Republicans. Oh, and while we’re at it, Gore’s an idiot. You can’t under-estimate your VP choice. I will argue til I’m blue that Lieberman’s the reason he lost, like Ferraro brought down Dukakis, Quayle brought down Bush, and Palin brought down McCain.

George Walker Bush (Governor, Republican) 2001-2009 (2 full terms) VP: Dick Cheney; FL: wife Laura

If Bush had paid attention to history, the Republican Party might not be in such disarray. Bush took a Harding-like approach and overturned everything Clinton accomplished, both the good with the bad. Thus, he falls somewhere near Harding in overall job performance. Had he followed the Eisenhower approach of trying to continue Clinton’s reforms, we may have avoided the recession. In the end, it was our own faults he got re-elected. How did we let him use “flip-flopper” as a negative? Lincoln’s giant flip-flop from conservative to liberal saved the Union and ended slavery.

Barack Hussein Obama (Senator, Democrat) 2009-Present (1 term) VP: Joe Biden; FL: wife Michelle

Obama just needs to learn from general precedent. He's simply not going to get re-elected. If he wins in 2012, it will be the first time since Jefferson-Madison-Monroe that three presidents in a row successfully completed two full terms. Presidents elected in a wave of backlash against the current administration (Pierce, Harrison, Carter) rarely get re-elected. Presidents presiding over an economic downturn without clear and concise recovery (Van Buren, Hoover, Carter) hardly ever make it. Washington outsiders who lack the political skill to pass bills (Carter) usually cannot rally for a second win. With all this stacked against him, the question remains, why the fuck isn't he trying harder? Always with the coalition building. For a short period of time, he has a slight majority in both houses of Congress. Why the hell isn't he forcing through a Jacksonian or Teddy Rooseveltian wave of unbridled reform? Screw the second term, like Polk did in 1848. Dude, just step up and say "I'm the president, and I'm going to fix EVERYTHING right now, and I'm going to it my way. If when I'm done you feel like I've made your life better, vote for me. If not, fuck you." Seriously, Barack, you're not going to win in 2012, so stop trying to be Mr. Popular and starting being a fucking president.

Next Up - I'm going to do this same thing next year, but it will be 12 months, 12 elections.

Labels: ,

Thursday, December 17, 2009

If Dead Presidents Could Speak to Barack Obama...


Washington:
Remember to hear both sides, but above all else, don’t side with either of them.


Jefferson:
The government does not have the power to do anything, except when it does.


Quincy Adams:
Don’t let other people take credit for your ideas



Jackson:
If you take the bullet, you'll have plenty of time to shoot back



Harrison:
Wear a coat



Taylor:
Watch what you eat.



Johnson:
They let a black guy become president?



TR:
If you shoot first, you won’t have to take a bullet



Taft:
Mmm... pie



Coolidge:
...



FDR:
Ends justify the means, especially if the means are wide-spread fraud



LBJ:
One bad decision can cancel out thousands of good decisions



Carter:
Being president actually involves being president



(oh wait, Carter's not dead)

Labels:

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Donkey Party is Over

Part 11 of 12: Carter to H.W. Bush

The Republican Party dominated presidential politics from Lincoln right up to FDR, losing only 4 of 18 elections. The Democrats won 7 of the next 9 elections. The 10th and 11th elections were won by Nixon, who fucked up the entire executive branch of government by casting a shadow of corruption over the presidency. Seriously, all Carter had to do was not fuck things up, and Democrats could have run the country until the end of time...

James Earl Carter, Jr. (Governor, Democrat) 1977-1981 (1 full term) VP: Walter Mondale; FL: wife Rosalynn

... But Carter fucked up big time. It took him 3 years to figure out how presidenting worked. No one in Washington liked, or really respected him, even prominent members of his own party. He is the embodiment of good intentions backed up by less than zero political ability. By the time he got his footing, he had already pissed off everyone, started a gas shortage, and got a bunch of people kidnapped. At least he won a Nobel Prize, eventually.

Ronald Wilson Reagan (Governor, Republican) 1981-1989 (2 full terms) VP: George Bush; FL: wife Nancy

Had Reagan not spent the 20’s dreaming about becoming a movie star, he might have noticed that President Coolidge spent his time in office spending and deregulating the country into the Great Depression. Reagan, like Coolidge, was wildly popular, but he was all talk. Anyone can look at a calendar and claim Reagan freed the hostages in Iran and ended the Cold War, but look closer, and you’ll see that it's probable Reagan was barely aware of what was going on around him. All that tough talk people attribute to Reagan was just Hollywood grand standing, and if the Russians weren’t so weak to begin with, the Soviet Union would never have fallen. Despite rumors to the contrary, Reagan was not a great president. He was a great Republican, and his party has every right to credit him with pulling them out of the gutter.

George Herbert Walker Bush (VP, Republican) 1989-1993 (1 full term) VP: Dan Quayle; FL: wife Barbara

For all the flack he gets for flip-flopping on “read my lips,” Bush was an amazing half a president. His tax policy was just one example of his inability to lead at home. His foreign policy, however, was unmatched. His strong, wise leadership helped transition the world out of the Cold War. The man marched an international coalition into a a foreign nation that hadn’t declared war on any of them, and left without destabilizing the entire region. That takes cojones. That’s the double-edged sword of modern presidential politics. You can be a brilliant leader of the free world, but if you can’t match that by being the loving father of the US, you won’t get re-elected.

Next Up – Clinton to Obama: The Shit You Actually Remember

Labels: ,

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Men Who Would Be King (even Leslie King)

Part 10 of 12: JFK to Ford

Old school Vice Presidents, like Tyler, Fillmore, Johnson, and Arthur, were, let’s be honest, shitty presidents. In the 1800’s, no one cared. Presidents didn’t do much back then, and VP’s were just put on the ballot by the party to balance the ticket. After WWII, we had this nagging Cold War, so suddenly the people demanded a VP who was actually competent.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy (Senator, Democrat) 1961-1963 (assassinated) VP: Lyndon Johnson; FL: wife Jaqueline

Historians have started downgrading this old fornicator’s god-like status to something a lot more average. His appeal had a lot more to do with his image than his actions. In his short time, he handled the crises before him deftly, but he didn’t accomplish anything overly groundbreaking, and based on his record, he wasn’t on his way to accomplishing much more. He did, however, start a grand modern tradition of the young, inexperienced candidate raising the grandeur of his ticket by attaching himself to a long-time Washington insider.

Lyndon Baines Johnson (VP, Democrat) 1963-1969 (inherited then elected) VP: Hubert Humphrey; FL: wife Lynda “Lady” Bird

For all the flack he gets as flower children’s enemy #1, LBJ was the fucking man. He was the McKinley of his time. He knew every inch of Washington and as president, he furthered Kennedy’s agenda better than Kennedy ever could. He morphed the New Deal into the Great Society, highlighted by the Civil Rights Act. Then Vietnam happened, which was arguably Kennedy’s fault, and the honeymoon promptly ended.

Richard Milhouse Nixon (VP, Republican) 1969-1974 (re-elected, resigned) VP: Spiro Agnew, Gerald Ford; FL: wife Pat

Unfortunately, Johnson was so widely hated, the American people actually turned to Richard fucking Nixon to save them from him. Back when he was Eisenhower’s VP, he was a young buck, ready to take on Washington. By 1968, he had morphed into Tricky Dick, ready to take the presidency back for the Republican Party, who by the way turned on him when he lost to Kennedy 8 years earlier. His accomplishments don’t fucking matter because he destroyed the office of the president forever.

Leslie Lynch “Gerald Rudolph Ford” King, Jr. (VP, Republican) 1974-1977 (never elected) VP: Nelson Rockefeller; FL: wife Betty

In 1967, the 25th Amendment finally established clear guidelines for passing power to the VP. The Amendment covered presidential incapacitation and resignation, but also the procedure for filling a vacancy in the VP’s office. Just 6 years later, the Amendment was used 3 times in less than a year: replacing the resigned Spiro Agnew with Ford, replacing the resigned Nixon with Ford, and filling Ford’s empty VP office with Nelson Rockefeller. I’m only focusing on cool historical precedent because Ford himself didn’t do much worth giving a crap about.

Next Up – Carter to H.W. Bush: The Donkey Party is Over

Labels: ,

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thank God For Downtown Glendale

I had an hour to kill and decided to deposit my check. There was no one in line because it's Thursday, so I decided to ask if he had any dollar coins. They had a Quincy Adams.

I left the bank, only to find Downtown Glendale has like a thousand banks: Cal National, Wells Fargo, Bank of America, HSBC, and a bunch of credit unions.

Long story short, I'm now up to date on dollar coins, until Zachary Taylor comes out in November.

Labels: ,

Monday, September 21, 2009

Don’t Fight the Future

Part 9 of 12: FDR to Ike

Perhaps by now, you’ve seen a pattern. The more reforming a president, Democrat or Republican, does, the more his successor backslides. The Whigs unraveled Jackson’s reforms. Lincoln’s successors took back presidential authority. Harrison tried to undo every reform from Hayes to Cleveland. Harding tried to undo every reform from Cleveland to Wilson. This time, though, the game finally changed for the better.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Governor, Democrat) 1933-1945 (re-elected 3 times, died) VP: John Garner (ended up hating him), Henry Wallace (kind of a dick), Harry Truman; FL: wife Eleanor

FDR was a dick. I’m just going to say it. He was an effete, New York asshole. He bullied his way into office, lied to and manipulated everyone while in office, and spit in the face of tradition by getting elected four fucking times. Lucky for us, as a president, Jerkface McGee was a brilliant reformer whose wise leadership carried us through Depression and War, thereby changing the fundamental relationship between government and the people. History has proven that when the shit hits the fan, not just anyone can do the job, and we were lucky to have his service. No wonder that, despite his sweeping reforms and social programs, he’s widely and actively hated still today.

Harry S. Truman (VP, Democrat) 1945-1953 (inherited then elected) VP: Alben Barkley; FL: wife Bess

Even though he was hated at the time, Truman earned his place as one of the great presidents by being FDR’s exact opposite. He was a good man, crappy politician. With the lowest approval ratings ever recorded, it's no wonder he almost lost to Dewey. Only because he operated in FDR’s shadow could he de-segregate the government, drop food aid on Germany, evolve FDR's New Deal into the Fair Deal, drop the bomb on a couple cities, got the ball rolling on NATO, and help establish Israel. For all your great accomplishments, arigato, Mr. Truman. Arigato.

Dwight David “Ike” Eisenhower (General, Republican) 1953-1961 (2 full terms) VP: Richard Nixon; FL: wife Mamie

A funny thing happened with Ike. He didn’t backslide. After 20 years of nearly non-stop reform, the pattern would predict Ike, a member of the opposition party, would try to turn back the New Deal. He didn’t. He was a forward thinking Conservative. No major reforms. Just keep everything as it is. Sorry, no jokes on this one. Just think about that for a second, and think about how something as simple as putting country above party should be something we take for granted, but it isn't. Nowadays, it's all about vengeance for both sides, and it gets us nowhere. A man like Eisenhower can't get elected today (see: Colin Powell, Wesley Clark), so we swing back and forth in 4-8 year increments ultimately getting nowhere. You know whose fault that is? Nixon, Ike's VP. Even Ike can't be perfect.

Next Up – JFK to Ford: The Men Who Would Be King (even Leslie King)

Labels: ,

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Smart People Ruin Everything. Ruiners.

Part 8 of 12: Wilson to Hoover

In 1912, everything seemed to work for William Jennings Bryan. Two Constitutional Amendments (Income Tax [XVI] and popular election of senators [XVII]) that he led through Congress were on their way to becoming the first Amendments ratified since 1870. TR had returned to wrestle the White House from Taft, resulting in both men losing the election and the Republican Party losing its most ardent reformers. His handpicked candidate had finally won the White House, and he was about to be sworn in as Secretary of State. Before the end of his time in office, two more of his Amendments (Prohibition [XVIII] and Women’s Suffrage [XIX]) would be ratified and his tireless collecting of foreign armistice treaties would help form the League of Nations. Well, good for Bryan, cuz everyone else got fucked.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson (Governor, Democrat) 1913-1921 (re-elected) VP: Thomas Marshall; FL: wife Ellen (died), wife Edith

A genius political science scholar, Wilson positioned himself as the new head of his party, thereby making his chief responsibility to guide Democrats in Congress, and by extension Democrats in state government. Mr. Smarty Pants missed a fundamental flaw in his plan, though. His reforms would only work if Wilson himself was president. Now watch as his successors, scared of change, roll back every single reform.

Warren Gamaliel Harding (Senator, Republican) 1921-1923 (died) VP: Calvin Coolidge; FL: wife Florence

Harding deftly won by making everyone afraid of how smart Wilson was and opposing basically every reform since Hayes. He deferred authority to Congress and gave high offices to his buddies, who subsequently tried to sell off the country piece by piece. Rumor has it, his wife found out his buddies’ scandals were about to come out, so she [allegedly] poisoned him to spare him the embarrassment. Historians now believe had he not died, he could have actually defended himself, instead of dying in disgrace.

John Calvin Coolidge (VP, Republican) 1923-1929 (inherited then re-elected) VP: Charles Dawes; FL: wife Grace

Coolidge was the first “radio President” (I’m quoting myself because hopefully I just made up that term). He was a crappy politician and an even worse public speaker, so he took to the airwaves to get the people to support his policies. It worked, and he remains one of history's most popular presidents. Unfortunately, Genius Boy’s Roaring ‘20s spending led to the Depression. Oh, also, he kept us out of The League of Nations and World Court, resulting in the ultimate dissolution or de-balling of both. Way to kill peace, douche.

Herbert Clark Hoover (Sec. of Commerce, Republican) 1929-1933 (just 1 term) VP: Charles Curtis; FL: wife Lou (I’m guessing it’s short for Louisa)

You’d think a Sec. of Commerce would be able to keep us out of a Depression. So did the American people. He did what his giant brain told him would save us, and he failed miserably. I guess these things happen. Oh, but he built a sweet dam.

Next Up – FDR to Ike: Don't Fight the Future

Labels: ,

Monday, August 24, 2009

I'm Collecting President Dollar Coins

For those of you that don't know, the US Mint is releasing dollar coins with pictures of the presidents on them, just like they did with the state quarters. If you give a crap, save this link, and I will update this image as I collect more coins.

Oh, and if you really give a crap, help me collect them. I'll give you a dollar for the coin.


Release Schedule:
2009:
Harrison-Taylor
2010:
Fillmore-Lincoln
2011:
Johnson-Garfield
2012:
Arthur-Cleveland (twice)
2013:
McKinley-Wilson
2014:
Harding-FDR
2015:
Truman-LBJ
2016:
Nixon & Ford (so far)

Labels: ,

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Teddy and His Willies (sittin’ in a tree…)

Part 7 of 12: McKinley to Taft

Harrison’s lack of leadership left the federal government in such disarray, the American people did something they’ve never done before, re-elect a former president. Cleveland’s still-unrepeated non-consecutive second term marked a major turning point in American politics. There was no more room for regressives like Harrison. Instead, two guys named William, in the tradition of Adams/Jefferson and Jackson/Clay, changed the course of American history together, by wholly opposing each other. William McKinley led the charge in the Republican Party for a more Progressive political platform, while William Jennings Bryan led the Democrats to solidify their position as the reformers to the very nature of the federal government. As for Cleveland, I’d imagine the changing shape of government wasn’t nearly as important to him as his smoking hot, 20-something wife Frances.

William McKinley, Jr. (Governor, Republican) 1897-1901 (re-elected, assassinated) VP: Garret Hobart (died), Theodore Roosevelt; FL: wife Ida

The Williams went head-to-head in 1896. Both wanted change, but McKinley’s pragmatic Progressivism won out over Bryan’s bat-shit crazy calls for massive and immediate government overhaul. The world was expanding around us and we couldn’t be isolated forever. Despite Bryan’s passionate opposition, the US scooped up Guam, Puerto Rico, Hawaii, and The Philippines as colonies. To kick the Spanish out of our neighborhood in Cuba, McKinley finally took the young, mostly insane Teddy Roosevelt off his leash. When his VP died, the party forced McKinley to give the job to TR, hoping a useless position like VP would keep TR’s scary ass in check. Then McKinley got shot.

Theodore Roosevelt (VP, Republican) 1901-1909 (inherited then elected) VP: Charles Fairbanks; FL: wife Edith

The source of TR’s brilliance is that he beat the Democrats by assuming their political platform. The line between Progressive Republican and Democrat was so thin at this time that TR just took Bryan’s policies for his own, but he replaced extremism in policy with extremism in action. Like Jackson before him, TR used the federal government like a baseball bat to kick the crap out of anyone and anything threatening the American people. So strong was the force of TR that he could take any idea, no matter which party came up with it, and personally drive it into practice.

Side Note: TR was the fifth VP to take over for a dead president, but he was the first to win a subsequent term. He could even have won a third or fourth term, except he promised not to. God, who would want to be president for four terms?

William Howard Taft (Sec. of War, Republican) 1909-1913 (just 1 term) VP: James Sherman (died); FL: wife Helen

Roosevelt forced Taft (yes, another William) to run in his place. Taft didn’t really want to be president. He hated being president. He was pretty bad at being president. He was so miserable while president; he gained like 80 pounds during his term. Kind of makes you feel bad for the guy Taft beat to become president. You guess it, William Jennings Bryan.

Next Up – Wilson to Hoover: Smart People Ruin Everything. Ruiners

Labels: ,

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Exciting World of Civil Service Reform!

Part 6 of 12: Garfield to Harrison

Civil Service Reform in a nutshell: Johnson and Grant failed to fill the post-Lincoln power void, so the party machines filled it instead. Party leaders took away the President’s appointment power and filled civil service positions, even the Vice Presidency, with party cronies who pretty much just dicked around and embezzled a lot of government money. President Hayes wasn’t about to let this continue. He took it upon himself to take down Mr. Corruption himself, Senator Roscoe Conkling, by removing from office his protégé Chester Arthur. Thus began the exciting reform of the time.

James Abram Garfield (OH State Leg., Repulican) 1881 (assassinated) VP: Chester Arthur; FL: wife Lucretia (yeah, seriously)

We have a tradition in this country of assassinating the best presidents. Garfield didn’t have a lot of time in office, but he spent it doing as much good as possible. He was so obsessive about Civil Service Reform that he personally, painstakingly interviewed candidates for basically every office (except of course the VP he got stuck with at the convention). Ultimately, it was one of those failed office seekers that shot him. His shitty doctor’s are the ones that actually killed him.

Chester Alan Arthur (VP, Republican) 1881-1885 (never elected) VP: none; FL: wife Ellen

Only a year and a half before Garfield’s death, President Hayes had removed Arthur from office in disgrace. Are we starting to see why the political machine needed reforming? As president, Arthur sought to prove he was above corrupt influence, and that chinless beards were cool.

Stephen Grover Cleveland (Governor, Democrat) 1885-1889 (1 full term) VP: Thomas Hendricks (died); FL: sister Rose, wife, 21–year-old Frances Folsom

Cleveland was a super Civil Service Reformer. He went as far as letting Republicans keep their jobs if they were good at them. The bigger issue by this point, though, was tariffs. Cleveland supported lower tariffs, but Congressman William McKinley believed in higher tariffs. Cleveland stuck to his guns, but when the economy lagged, tariffs were blamed and he lost the election. Tariffs are much more juicy than Civil Service Reform, right?

Benjamin Harrison (fmr. general and Senator, Republican) 1889-1893 (just 1 term) VP: Levi Morton; FL: wife Caroline

Apparently, the best way to beat a Democrat in the 1800’s was to nominate a big war general to oppose him. This time, though, unlike WH Harrison and Taylor, he didn’t die. His wife did. In 1892, he sat at his wife’s bedside, so he didn’t campaign. Harrison was a regressive who believed the president had no power to do anything, so no one missed him.

Next Up - Cleveland to Taft: The Two Williams

Labels: ,

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Commanders in Beards

Part 5 of 12: Lincoln to Hayes

In the mid 19th Century, we as a country were treated to some of the most impressive facial hair in American history. Now watch as a brilliant beard skillfully guides us through the most complicated chapter in American history, then 3 other guys totally fuck up the endgame.

Abraham Lincoln (fmr. Congressman, Republican) 1861-1865 (re-elected, assassinated) VP: Hannibal Hamlin, Andrew Johnson; FL: wife Mary Todd

Abraham Lincoln was a man with a modest beard and, believe it or not, was a giant flip-flopper. He thought slavery was abhorrent, but he just wanted the issue resolved so we could go back to peacefully killing Indians, like the good old days. It was only after careful study and consideration that he realized slavery was an issue so big and so evil that if the North won the war with this pox on our country, the war would never truly be won. Change after careful thought; funny how that works out.

Andrew Johnson (VP, Democrat) 1865-1869 (never elected) VP: none; FL: wife Eliza

Andrew Johnson was a drunken racist. I’m not making this up. He went on a drunken speech tour after Congress took away all his power, and by all personal accounts, he said he thought white people wouldn’t care if blacks never achieved suffrage. No wonder Reconstruction failed so miserably. (Side note: from 1861 to 1897, only one President sported absolutely no facial hair: Johnson)

Hiram Ulysses Simpson Grant (general, Republican) 1869-1877 (re-elected) VP: Schuyler Colfax, Henry Wilson (died); FL: wife Julia

Grant, despite a valiant effort, also totally fucked up Reconstruction. It’s hard to build relations with the South when you’re snorting coke and allowing your administration to sell-out basically everything and everyone. Kinda kills your credibility. He did, however, establish Yellowstone Park and made Christmas a national holiday. As a Jew, I thank him deeply for that last one.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes (Governor, Republican) 1877-1881 (just 1 term) VP: William Wheeler; FL: wife “Lemonade” Lucy

In this age of bearded wisdom, the Republicans followed Grant with Hayes, who possibly was the founding member of ZZ Top. National unity, black rights, pshaw. He was a lot more interested in wrestling Civil Service Reform. I know, exciting, right? What could be so important about about Civil Service Reform that he sold out generations of southern blacks? More on that next week.

Next Up - Garfield to Harrison: The Exciting World of Civil Service Reform

Labels: ,