An end to a Super Presidential Year

It's fitting that the last presidential birthday of the year should fall on none other than my birthday. In honor of my birthday, I bring you the last installment of my presidential birthday series. I hope it has opened your eyes and made you go, man, back in the day, presidents had some really weird names.

Here goes, last round:

Martin Van Buren: Van Buren was the first President born after 1776, therefore making him the first president born in the United States of America.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson: While President, Wilson ratified prohibition, ratified the amendment giving women the right to vote, held the first presidential press conference, took the country into WWI, helped form the League of Nations, and married Edith Bolling Galt. Impressive by any standards, but made more impressive by the fact that he never in his life held completed other political term.

Andrew Johnson: Abraham Lincoln was not actually the president who signed the 13th Amendment, making slavery officially illegal. It was Andrew Johnson. I'd call that a pretty good birthday mate.

November was Mediocre Presidents Month

This was the month all those shitty presidents were born. You know who I'm talking about, the presidents that aren't featured in any textbooks, except to talk about how much they sucked. In fact, James Polk and Warren Harding, widely considered our country's two worst leaders, were born on the same date. So here it is, with as much effort as they deserve:

James Knox Polk: So lame he, no kidding, died of diarrhea. Seriously, look it up. [editorial note: I have since done a lot of research and discovered Polk actually fucking rocked, and he's quickly rising in historian lists]

Warren Gamaliel Harding: This lame wad lost an entire set of White House china in a poker game. Okay, that's kind of cool except that he was supposed to be the president at the time.

James Abram Garfield: Garfield may have been greater had he lived more than 131 days into his administration. Little know fact (even less known than who the fuck he is or that he was shot) is that the gun shot didn't kill him, but the unsterilized instruments used to remove the bullet gave him the infection that killed him. Even cooler than that, he could write Greek with one hand while simultaneously writing Latin with the other.

Franklin Pierce: We've had two presidents named Franklin, FDR and this lame-o. Despite being so religious he said "I promise" instead of "I swear" at his inauguration, Pierce died of liver complications due to heavy drinking, and while in office he was arrested for running over a woman with his horse. Recap: Drinking okay. Aggravated assault okay. Pardoning oneself to get off a felony charge, crossing the line.

Zachary Taylor: Lamenstein here didn't do much before he died in office, but he is oddly related to all of American history. He's related to James Madison, Robert E. Lee, and FDR. His daughter married Jefferson Davis, and Abraham Lincoln gave the eulogy at his funeral. I guess you're only as cool as the friends you keep.

See you next month.

Holy crap, a lot of Presidents were born in October

The important question is what was going on in the January, February part of the year that got all those Presidential parents so darned randy. Deep reflection aside, it's time for useless trivia:

James Earl Carter, Jr.: He signed a law into effect making it legal for a household to brew 100 gallons of beer for personal use.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes: During the Hayes Administration, Alexander Graham Bell installed the first White House phone. They wouldn't use said phone to call the local beer distributor, though. His First Lady "Lemonade Lucy" Webb Hayes refused to serve a drop of alcohol during the Hayes years.

Chester Alan Arthur: He spent most of his nights as President out partying. I imagine when he got the call that President Garfield had been shot, and he'd have to take over the Oval Office, he was at the time lying in a pool of his own vomit. Also, I hope they used that Graham Bell phone to notify him.

Dwight David Eisenhower: Unlike most people who go on vacations to improve their health, Eisenhower suffered two heart attacks while in office, both while on vacation.

Theodore Roosevelt: He lost sight in one eye during a White House boxing match. In contrast, he had a photographic memory. He apparently couldn't remember he was in a boxing match, and forgot to duck. Ha ha, I'm hilarious.

John Adams: He apparently lived his life to piss people off. Not only was he hated my pretty much everyone he met, including best friend Thomas Jefferson, he lived longer than any President, 90 years, 247 days. So basically he was that guy at the party everyone dispised, who simply would not go away.

September Howard Taft, President of the United States

The man was so fat even his birthday takes up the entire month. No room in September for anyone but good ole President

William Howard Taft: The seventh inning stretch was created because President Fatty couldn't sit for nine innings. Weighing in at 332 pounds, President Lard Ass got stuck in the White House tub first time he used it. They had to order a newer bigger one just for him.

But I kid. He was such a loveable guy. He was the only president to also serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He owned the last presidential cow and the first presidential automobile. He holds the honorable distinction of being the first major political figure to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. Don't you just wish he was your uncle?

August Presidents: Seriously, what the fuck?

This may possibly be the most enlightening Presidential Fun Fact finding thus far. I want to direct your attention to President Harrison, for the other side of a well known piece of presidential trivia.

Herbert Clark Hoover: In 1964, Columbia University named Hoover and Thomas Edison the two greatest engineers in U.S. History.

William Jefferson Clinton: The first time he watched the movie "Independence Day" was alongside actor Bill Pullman. Said Pullman, "Oh, great. This is going to be like shooting baskets with Magic Johnson watching."

Benjamin Harrison: People know that Grover Cleveland won two non-consecutive terms, but most people don't know why. Benjamin Harrison was the guy in between Cleveland's two terms, and he lost because instead of campaigning, he took care of his dying wife. She died before the end of his term.

Lyndon Baines Johnson: At the age of fifteen, he left home to become a grape picker and car mechanic. To save taxpayer money, he used to walk around the White House at night turning off unneeded lights.

PS- Also discovered this go round, Grover Cleveland's real name is Stephen Grover Cleveland. You see, Mr. President, there's a reason people are ashamed of their middle names.

In July we talk about presidential relatives

In 200+ years of American history, only two men whose fathers had been president were elected president. They were both born in the month of July, and they were both elected in scandalous elections.

In 1824, the field was narrowed down to Adams, Henry Clay, Andrew Jackson, and John C. Calhoun. The results were too close to call, and in a back room deal, Adams and Clay supposedly conspired to stack the electoral college. Adams became president, Clay became Secretary of State. The scandal cast a shadow over Adams' entire administration, and basically handed the presidency to Jackson in 1828. Adams is the first president to win neither the popular nor electoral vote.

A mere 176 years later, George Walker Bush destroyed what was left of our trust in democracy. Is anyone else bucking for Chelsea Clinton to run in about 20 years? But here are some fun facts for July.

John Calvin Coolidge: Okay, this guy rocked. He averaged nine hours of sleep, and took frequent naps. While governor of Massachusetts, the mayor of Boston punched him in the face. He's the only president sworn in by his own father, and he's somehow related to Bennie Arthur (or so Bennie tells me).

George Walker Bush: He holds many presidential records and firsts. Record fewest press conferences since the invention of television. First 3-time convicted felon (DWI, petty larceny, drunken disorderly) elected president. Largest annual deficit. Most polls ever taken by a sitting president. Etc. etc. Bush bashing isn't even fun anymore.

John Quincy Adams: He swam naked in the Potomac on a daily basis.

Gerald Rudolph Ford: On two separate occasions, a woman tried to assassinate him. This means he holds the record for the most women who tried to assassinate a sitting president. His name is actually Leslie King, but he took his mother's maiden name after his father left them. (I learned that one while watching 24 hour coverage of his funeral on C-SPAN)

presidential facts: june sucks

Bush family has so much influence, they actually went back in time to assure no other president was born in the same month as george h. w. bush. so here goes:

George Herbert Walker Bush: his dog Spotty holds the distinction of being the only pet to live in two White Houses. While he was in office, Bush's dog Millie gave birth to Spotty, then Spotty moved in with the next President Bush's family.

Holy crap, i forgot May

sorry guys, may was a hectic month. i totally forgot to post this month's president fun time learning corner. luckily, there were only two presidents born in may.

Harry S Truman: His mother was such a supporter of the Confederacy that she refused to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom during her visits.

Speaking of Lincoln--

John Fitzgerald Kennedy: the following information is relatively well known, at least in concept, but i've always found it really cool:

--Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
--Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

--The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both presidents' wives both lost children while living in the White House.

--Abraham Lincoln died in 1865. Andrew Johnson died in 1875.
--John F. Kennedy died in 1963. Lyndon Johnson died in 1973.

--Both presidents were shot on a Friday. Both presidents were shot in the head. Both presidents were shot while seated next to their wife. Both presidents were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

--Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. Both successors left the presidency in disgrace without running for reelection.

--John Wilkes Booth was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by three names, both names contain fifteen letters.

--Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

--Lincoln was shot in the Ford Theatre and Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln.

After reading, remember these men were President

Apparently Presidents born in April are eccentric, untrustworthy, wildly stupid, and likely to incur the wrath of over zealous New Englanders. This Saturday, it was eighty degrees and sunny at my apartment, then overcast and sixty at the beach. Being born in that kind of weather would probably fuck me up too.

Thomas Jefferson: Owned a pet parrot named Dick, whom he trained to sit on his shoulder during dinner and eat his food, and follow him up the stairs.

James Buchanan: At one time had the chance to buy Cuba for only $900,000, but Congress refused, thinking he would take the money and run.

Hiram Ulysses Simpson Grant: Once owned a business trying to sell ice in San Francisco. it failed when the ice all melted in transit.

James Monroe: Came one vote shy of being re-elected unanimously. A delegate from New Hampshire felt only Washington should have the distinction of unanimous election.

March is when the cool presidents are born

March is when two of my favorite minor presidents were born. To clarify, by minor, I mean not Lincoln, Washington, or Jefferson. There are some minor presidents who come close to joining that list. These are presidents who changed the face of American politics by just being the men they are. I'd put on that list Kennedy, both Roosevelts, John Adams, and our first March birthday:

Andrew Jackson -- I think Aaron Sorkin nailed the best part of Jackson.
LEO
Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese... The block of cheese was huge--over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry... Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

The next president has special significance to me because he's the first president I ever did a book report about.

John Tyler -- fathered 15 children, was never an official member of a political party, and is a grand-uncle to Harry Truman.

and the other two March presidents were pretty cool

James Madison -- was only 5'4," which makes him both the shortest president and still taller than Sandy :-)

Stephen Grover Cleveland -- before becoming president he was a public executioner, which makes him the coolest president ever, having personally hanged two men. take that TR

Presidents Day: Shared No More

What a shit holiday. I'm coming right out there and saying it. Forty-two men have put aside their personal lives in service of our country. These men weren't one of a hundred senators or one of fifty governors. These men were the single, lone guy in charge of and responsible for everything that happened on their watch. In our infinite wisdom, we as a country have condensed all forty-three of their birthdays into a single holiday.

I say fuck that.

If you look at my calendar, you will see I have marked down the birthday of every single president, from George W. to George W. I intend to celebrate every single one, at least until I get bored with this. In honor of the seven presidents who have already had birthdays this year, I give you fun facts about each of them

Millard Fillmore: Refused an honorary degree from Oxford University, stating a person shoudln't accept a degree if he couldn't read.

Richard Milhouse Nixon: The first president to visit all 50 states.

William McKinley, Jr.: According to his doctors, had he been in better shape, he may have survived the assassin's bullet that killed him; however, he holds the record for presidential hand shaking: 2,500 per hour.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: His mother made him wear a dress until he was five years-old.

Ronald Wilson Reagan: Starred in "Bedtime for Bonzo" where he acted opposite a monkey.

William Henry Harrison: Gave the longest inaugural address in history, resulting in the shortest presidency in history. He died of pneumonia.

Abraham Lincoln: He chose to grow a beard because a little girl once told him it looked dignified. (thank you Jenni for that one)

These facts must all be true, I found them on the internet.