Football's Fucking Exciting

Both of my teams, Patriots and Eagles, are safely in the playoffs. Both are also trying to line themselves up for optimal schedules in the post-season. Nine of this week’s 16 games have playoff implications. The 6 NFC playoff teams are all locked in, but 4 of them (Eagles, Vikings, Cardinals and Cowboys) could reach the coveted #2 spot and the first round bye with which it comes. The Patriots and Bengals are in play for the #3 AFC spot, which automatically avoids the Colts in round 2. Speaking of the AFC, both Wild Card slots are up for grabs to 7 different teams (Jets, Ravens, Broncos, Texans, Steelers all 8-7; Dolphins, Jaguars both 7-8)

NOTE: Understanding all this requires understanding NFL’s tie-breaking procedures.

Games That Don’t Matter:

Unless you live in one of these 14 cities, the outcomes of these games do not matter.



The NFC Climb to #2:
Saints have locked up #1. If the Eagles and the Packers win, regardless of the Vikings result, the NFC will be #2 Eagles, #3 Vikings, #4 Cardinals, #5 Packers, #6 Cowboys. If the Eagles win, Vikings lose, and Cardinals win, Cardinals take #3 and Vikings drop to #4. If the Cowboys win, use this handy chart to figure out results based on the other two games:

MIN/ARI win #2 Vikings #3 Cardinals #4 Cowboys #5 Eagles #6 Packers

MIN/GB win #2 Vikings #3 Cowboys #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

GB win #2 Cowboys #3 Vikings #4 Cardinals #5 Packers #6 Eagles

ARI win #2 Cardinals #3 Cowboys #4 Vikings #5 Eagles #6 Packers

In other words, watch the Eagles/Cowboys game if you can.

The AFC Cluster Fuck to the Wild Card:
This is the 1:00 game to watch. Both teams are fighting for a chance at the playoffs. If the Steelers win, a long combination of other wins and losses this week could give them a second chance at redeeming a blown season. If the Dolphins win and all 5 of the other teams lose, they would actually get in.
In a tie-breaker, the Jaguars would actually fare pretty well. If the Jaguars win, they might have a shot at the #5 spot even. If they lose, they’re out.

The Patriots want the #3 spot. That means if they win the first playoff game, they go onto the Chargers instead of the Colts. That also means they have to win this game. If the Texans win and no less than two of Jets, Ravens, Broncos lose they’re in for the first time in franchise history.
It’s very simple. If the Ravens win, they’re in. If they win, and the Jets lose, they’re #5. If they win and the Jets win, they’re #6. If the Ravens lose, they’re out.
The Broncos do not control their own fate. Winning, of course, makes their playoff hopes more likely, but if they lose, and so do a bunch of other teams, they could make it in anyway. Statistically, they have the best chance of making the playoffs.
There’s a good reason this is the 8:20 game. The Jets are the only team right now that completely controls its own fate. If they win, they’re the #5 team. If they lose, they’re out. For the Bengals, if they win and the Patriots lose, they get the #3 slot. These all or nothing stakes, and the recent loss of Bengal receiver Chris Henry, make this game the most worthy of the primetime slot.

The Shit You Actually Remember

Part 12 of 12: Clinton to Obama

Now for the big question: Why did I do this? Why did I spend my free time putting this all together? I didn’t realize the answer until I started the research. Never before has the adage, “those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it,” been clearer to me. It made me reflect first on this latest election, then work my way backwards. If we all knew more about our own history, we wouldn’t be so quick to repeat it.

William "Jefferson Clinton" Blythe III (Governor, Democrat) 1993-2001 (2 full terms) VP: Al Gore; FL: wife Hillary

Clinton should have learned from Wilson. Bubba gets a lot of flack for encouraging people to buy houses, leading to sub-prime mortgages, leading to the recession. His real problem was not Republican-proofing his plans. Dude, learn from history: Americans fear change. In the modern age, before you reform, you must make your policies regressive-proof. If you push too much reform, you will be handing the presidency over to the Republicans. Oh, and while we’re at it, Gore’s an idiot. You can’t under-estimate your VP choice. I will argue til I’m blue that Lieberman’s the reason he lost, like Ferraro brought down Dukakis, Quayle brought down Bush, and Palin brought down McCain.

George Walker Bush (Governor, Republican) 2001-2009 (2 full terms) VP: Dick Cheney; FL: wife Laura

If Bush had paid attention to history, the Republican Party might not be in such disarray. Bush took a Harding-like approach and overturned everything Clinton accomplished, both the good with the bad. Thus, he falls somewhere near Harding in overall job performance. Had he followed the Eisenhower approach of trying to continue Clinton’s reforms, we may have avoided the recession. In the end, it was our own faults he got re-elected. How did we let him use “flip-flopper” as a negative? Lincoln’s giant flip-flop from conservative to liberal saved the Union and ended slavery.

Barack Hussein Obama (Senator, Democrat) 2009-Present (1 term) VP: Joe Biden; FL: wife Michelle

Obama just needs to learn from general precedent. He's simply not going to get re-elected. If he wins in 2012, it will be the first time since Jefferson-Madison-Monroe that three presidents in a row successfully completed two full terms. Presidents elected in a wave of backlash against the current administration (Pierce, Harrison, Carter) rarely get re-elected. Presidents presiding over an economic downturn without clear and concise recovery (Van Buren, Hoover, Carter) hardly ever make it. Washington outsiders who lack the political skill to pass bills (Carter) usually cannot rally for a second win. With all this stacked against him, the question remains, why the fuck isn't he trying harder? Always with the coalition building. For a short period of time, he has a slight majority in both houses of Congress. Why the hell isn't he forcing through a Jacksonian or Teddy Rooseveltian wave of unbridled reform? Screw the second term, like Polk did in 1848. Dude, just step up and say "I'm the president, and I'm going to fix EVERYTHING right now, and I'm going to it my way. If when I'm done you feel like I've made your life better, vote for me. If not, fuck you." Seriously, Barack, you're not going to win in 2012, so stop trying to be Mr. Popular and starting being a fucking president.

Next Up - I'm going to do this same thing next year, but it will be 12 months, 12 elections.

My Favorite Movies of 2009

Hands Down, The Best Movies of the Year

Crank: High Voltage

To be fair, I love Jason Statham movies in general, so I'm biased; however, it's goofy; it's cheesy, and it has more imagination per frame than any other movie of the year. In a year where storytelling was replaced by filmmakers trying to paint over crappy movies with a layer of feigned social conscience, it was refreshing to watch a movie that didn't even pretend to be bigger than it was. For people just willing to give themselves up to ridiculousness, this movie will blow you away. As soon as you have free time, rent the first Crank movie, give yourself a few days to think "How the fuck are they going to make a sequel to that?" then rent Crank 2.

Zombieland

"Shaun of the Dead" is a better made movie, with greater emotion and depth of character. However, I love "Zombieland" so much more. It's just pure fun. I can't remember laughing so hard for such a sustained period of time. I don't even like zombie movies, but subject matter aside, this movie was so fucking good.

Inglourious Basterds

What I hate most about Quentin Tarantino are those long dialogue scenes. The man seems in love with his own writing, and he thinks his pop culture references make him cooler than everyone else. Even worse, his philosophy about everything isn't as thoughtful as good actors make it sound. With Basterds, he finally figured out that if we're going to sit in one place for 20 minutes, we want some fucking tension. Gone are the rants about milkshakes and '70s television, and in their wake, he brings us two of the most tense film scenes I've ever seen (the farm house and the basement). As a Jew, I found this movie to be a cathartic piece of fantasy. I would never support the wholesale torture and murder of any group of people, but in a movie, safe behind squibs and prat falls, I can enjoy watching those Nazi bastards die.

Really Great Movies of the Year

Star Trek -- I can't wait to see where Abrams takes this. So many possibilities. The man James Kirk was before and the choices he made shaped the times. With Kirk changed and the Vulcans mostly extinct, I can't wait to see how they replay some of the major events of the series, then jump to The Next Generation and see how different the whole universe becomes.
Saw VI -- Real, relevant social conscience comes to the Saw franchise. It has always had that subtle hatred toward the medical community, but this movie gets so specific and so cathartic. Saw VI should be required viewing at health insurance companies. Not the best Saw movie, but definitely up there. I hope they crank these out for decades to come.

Moon -- Solid sci fi that makes "District 9" and "Avatar" look like really expensive student films. The entire movie is just Sam Rockwell and the voice of Kevin Spacey. That is really all you need. You don't need CGI for sci fi. You don't need giant aliens and themes that hit you over the head. Moon is full of twists, but not gotcha twists, twists that add to the depth of the story.
Drag Me to Hell -- Oh, Sam Raimi, how I've missed you. No one else can bring a horror movie with so many hilarious moments. I saw this movie in a mostly empty theatre. Me, my girlfriend, and one other couple left the movie with ear to ear smiles. Everyone else left confused. This is why I love Sam Raimi. He makes Sam Raimi movies, and nothing else. Luckily, Sam Raimi movies are brilliant. Sam Raimi, Sam Raimi, Sam Raimi.
Up -- It's not possible for Pixar to have a record this good. How do they do it? Statistically, they have to make one bad movie. They just don't. I'm glad I saw this as an adult because as a kid, it would have made me cry. It made me cry anyway, but as an adult, I can handle it. I've never seen a movie full of so much adventure and so much sadness.

Movies That Deserve a Sentence of Honor

I Love You, Man -- The word "bromance" cheapens the brilliance of telling a love story between two men that isn't gay but can still play up the emotional importance of male relationships.

Up in the Air -- I can watch George Clooney do anything, even fire people over and over and over again.

Taken -- What saves this movie from being a Bourne rip-off is that at its center it's about a loser father trying to prove himself to his not-so-easily-impressed daughter.

The Princess & The Frog -- When Disney isn't so mired in bullshit, they can actually crank out a movie with depth and beauty that doesn't sacrifice anything to tell a good story.

Watchmen -- A better director wouldn't have so missed the depth of this story, but then better directors tried and failed.

Inkheart -- It's like that Adam Sandler movie where the fairy tales come to life, but without the weight of being an intolerably crappy movie.

17 Again -- What sells this movie for me is how they treat the fantasy nerd that never grew up supporting character with enough respect as not mock the things he loves (see: the kids who think they're aliens in "Just One of the Boys")

If Dead Presidents Could Speak to Barack Obama...

Washington: Remember to hear both sides, but above all else, don’t side with either of them.


Jefferson: The government does not have the power to do anything, except when it does.


Quincy Adams: Don’t let other people take credit for your ideas



Jackson: If you take the bullet, you'll have plenty of time to shoot back



Harrison: Wear a coat



Taylor: Watch what you eat.



Johnson: They let a black guy become president?



TR: If you shoot first, you won’t have to take a bullet



Taft: Mmm... pie



Coolidge: ...



FDR: Ends justify the means, especially if the means are wide-spread fraud



LBJ: One bad decision can cancel out thousands of good decisions



Carter: Being president actually involves being president



(oh wait, Carter's not dead)

I Love Supporting Actors: Keith David

You know, this guy:
Notable Roles:

King - "Platoon"

Goliath - "Gargoyles"

Big Tim - "Requiem for a Dream"

Dr. Facilier - "The Princess and the Frog"



Why He's Awesome:

No long, drawn out gush fest. He's got the best pipes in animation and voice-over. Gargoyles's Goliath is the greatest cartoon character ever. The man can show up anywhere in a movie and command respect, laughs, or endless cringing as he insists Jennifer Connelly take a strap-on in the butt. He's the villain in the new Disney movie, and according to his IMDb, he has a dozen new projects coming soon. As long as he can speak, this man will work, and he will be awesome.

You'd Be Surprised to Learn:

While shooting "Platoon," he saved Charlie Sheen's life. During a helicopter scene, the Huey banked too hard, and Sheen would have fallen out the open door, plunging to his death, had it not been for David's quick reflexes.

Check out his imdb page.

"Death at a Funeral" Will Change Film History

And if it doesn't, we're just not trying hard enough.

Neil LaBute and Chris Rock are re-making Frank Oz's "Death at a Funeral," a movie released only two years ago. Oz's movie was pretty funny but far from perfect. Its box office draw was just ok, despite the involvement of Whedon mainstay Alan Tudyk and everyone's favorite little person Peter Dinklage. The brilliance of this re-make is how little time has past since the original.

This isn't "Ocean's 11" or"The Manchurian Candidate." This movie hasn't been around long enough for anyone to have a deep emotional connection to it, so now's the perfect time to build on the original. It had many problems, and better filmmakers have a responsibility to do better.

Everyone loves Frank Oz, but he's the guy who put Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro, and Edward Norton in a movie and turned it into a flop. Talented he is, a good filmmaker he is not. The studios gave him a few chances, and along the way, he got half way toward making some pretty good movies. Let's re-make all Frank Oz's movies, using a better filmmaking team. They could even re-team De Niro and Norton. That's not so far-fetched, Peter Dinklage is reprising his role in the new "Death at a Funeral."

Let's look even further in the future. Hollywood should start re-making every well-conceived, yet poorly executed movie. No need to look to decades past. Let's start with the "Star Wars" prequels.