I Am a Blog: July 2009

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Teddy and His Willies (sittin’ in a tree…)

Part 7 of 12: McKinley to Taft

Harrison’s lack of leadership left the federal government in such disarray, the American people did something they’ve never done before, re-elect a former president. Cleveland’s still-unrepeated non-consecutive second term marked a major turning point in American politics. There was no more room for regressives like Harrison. Instead, two guys named William, in the tradition of Adams/Jefferson and Jackson/Clay, changed the course of American history together, by wholly opposing each other. William McKinley led the charge in the Republican Party for a more Progressive political platform, while William Jennings Bryan led the Democrats to solidify their position as the reformers to the very nature of the federal government. As for Cleveland, I’d imagine the changing shape of government wasn’t nearly as important to him as his smoking hot, 20-something wife Frances.

William McKinley, Jr. (Governor, Republican) 1897-1901 (re-elected, assassinated) VP: Garret Hobart (died), Theodore Roosevelt; FL: wife Ida

The Williams went head-to-head in 1896. Both wanted change, but McKinley’s pragmatic Progressivism won out over Bryan’s bat-shit crazy calls for massive and immediate government overhaul. The world was expanding around us and we couldn’t be isolated forever. Despite Bryan’s passionate opposition, the US scooped up Guam, Puerto Rico, Hawaii, and The Philippines as colonies. To kick the Spanish out of our neighborhood in Cuba, McKinley finally took the young, mostly insane Teddy Roosevelt off his leash. When his VP died, the party forced McKinley to give the job to TR, hoping a useless position like VP would keep TR’s scary ass in check. Then McKinley got shot.

Theodore Roosevelt (VP, Republican) 1901-1909 (inherited then elected) VP: Charles Fairbanks; FL: wife Edith

The source of TR’s brilliance is that he beat the Democrats by assuming their political platform. The line between Progressive Republican and Democrat was so thin at this time that TR just took Bryan’s policies for his own, but he replaced extremism in policy with extremism in action. Like Jackson before him, TR used the federal government like a baseball bat to kick the crap out of anyone and anything threatening the American people. So strong was the force of TR that he could take any idea, no matter which party came up with it, and personally drive it into practice.

Side Note: TR was the fifth VP to take over for a dead president, but he was the first to win a subsequent term. He could even have won a third or fourth term, except he promised not to. God, who would want to be president for four terms?

William Howard Taft (Sec. of War, Republican) 1909-1913 (just 1 term) VP: James Sherman (died); FL: wife Helen

Roosevelt forced Taft (yes, another William) to run in his place. Taft didn’t really want to be president. He hated being president. He was pretty bad at being president. He was so miserable while president; he gained like 80 pounds during his term. Kind of makes you feel bad for the guy Taft beat to become president. You guess it, William Jennings Bryan.

Next Up – Wilson to Hoover: Smart People Ruin Everything. Ruiners

Labels: brief, presidents

Monday, July 27, 2009

Great Scenes From Bad Movies: Notting Hill

Say what you want about "Notting Hill." No, really, rip into it, it's awful. Is anyone really interested in watching Julia Roberts complain about being a successful actress? I like Hugh Grant as much as the next man (translated: not at all), but I have no vested interest in watching him fall in love. His quirky Britishness was appealing enough in "Four Weddings and a Funeral," but I don't need to be repeatedly convinced that a jack-ass deserves love.

There is, however, one good scene.

For Hugh and Julia's adorable first date, he brings her to his friends' house for dinner. This is the one honest scene in the movie. What would happen if you brought a movie star home with you? His sister follows her into the bathroom. His pathetic friend trips over himself trying to connect with her. After dinner, they fight for the last brownie.

The brownie scene is my favorite part. They go around the table telling their sob stories, the winner earning the brownie. One is cursed with ugly physical features and a horrible instinct for men. One is paralyzed by a car accident and just found out she can't have children. And then there's Julia. For a brief moment, I feel her pain as she talks about the tabloid pressures and the plastic surgeries that have becomet the unfortunate side-effects of stardom. But then she goes on to reveal that she knows she's a horrible actress and dreads that one day the world will discover she sucks and she'll fade into oblivion having contributed nothing real to the world.

For the rest of the movie, Hugh's adorable friends are criminally underused, probably why the rest of the movie blows.

Labels: badmovies, movies

I Love Supporting Actors: Harry Dean Stanton

You know, this guy:

Notable Roles:

FBI Agent - "Godfather II"

Jack Walsh - "Pretty in Pink"

Chief Engineer Howard - "Down Periscope"

Roman Grant - "Big Love"

Why He's Awesome:

Roger Ebert, it turns out, has the Stanton-Walsh rule, wherein he states any movie featuring Harry Dean Stanton or M. Emmett Walsh can't possibly be bad. This rule is either a testament to Stanton's choices as an actor, or the innate qualities he exudes. Is he drawn to good projects, or are good projects drawn to him. Either way, Stanton is always the guy whose face you remember, but never remember from where. That's why I included his small role in Godfather II. He's one of those people that distracts you from even a great scene as you struggle to remember what you've seen him in. You do, indeed, struggle because you wouldn't expect that guy to be Molly Ringwald's father from Pretty in Pink.

You may be thinking Down Periscope clearly defies Ebert's rule, but give that movie another chance. Of all the goofy, screwball comedies to come out of that era, Down Periscope holds up. Arguably, that's because Stanton's in it. He plays an amazing washed up old veteran who still gets excited running submarine engines. His scant few moments on the screen are a delight.

After 50 years in the business, Stanton can still land a role on a hit series. I've never seen Big Love, but I'll bet you while most actors of his age would simply be greatful for the job, the cast and crew of Big Love are probably much more greatful to have him on set.

You'd Be Surprised to Learn:

He was the best man at one of Jack Nicholson's weddings, and after that marriage few apart, Jack stayed on Stanton's couch.

Check out his imdb page.

Labels: movies, supporting, TV

So Sick of Dave

[originally posted on myspace as part 1 of my "Dedicated to the Death of Dave" series]

I have what may possibly be the world's worst roommate. I've know him since college, and despite all my best efforts, I can't get rid of him. If I move, he follows me. If I try to get a new roommate, Dave still manages to move his stuff in, and drives away the new guy. He moves very quickly, so if I call the police, he's gone before they get there. No cop's going to believe my roommate moves like a ninja. Usually, I have some back-up, my other roommate, Tom. Out of our control, we've managed to take him into receivership. We tried living separately, but we've found without someone else to go through the ordeal, Dave is just unbearable. Tom's out of town on business, so I'm stuck with Dave, alone.

If he just followed me, that would be fine. In short, he's a filthy dirty racist, with no concept that other people have their own points of view. He brings home garbage he's found and goods he's stolen. The shoplifting was particularly annoying. I can't even call the police anymore for fear they'll find his stuff but not him. Oh yeah, and he cooks corn beef and cabbage in that crock pot, all damned day. The smell is putrid.

I spend probably too much of my time thinking about killing him in his sleep. I can't bring myself to do it, though. He's just so sad looking. He doesn't even have a bed. Maybe I'll wait until he gets a bed and kill him in it.

But I digress. I'm putting this out there in hopes some of you understand what I'm going through.

Fucking Dave.

Labels: dave

Spacecats: So Good You've Never Heard of It

[originally written for overtimecomedy.com on 9/19/06]

Before Animaniacs taught us about the subtle art of cartoon sarcasm, Spacecats brought into our lives a brand of self-referential humor never before seen in a Saturday morning cartoon. Oh right, and by us I mean the two or three of us who actually watched this show.

The worst part is that the two or three of us don't even remember all that much about it, besides vague recollections of awesomeness. I tried very hard to find videos, reviews, even stills; barely anything. What I do remember is that every episode opened with a live-action puppet sequence, then went to 2-D animation. The cats chased a variety villains (I seem to remember one named bo-gus) around the world because they committed some sort of hilarious crime. What crime? I don't remember, but it was fantastic. The puppet cats at the top of the show made fun of everything, even their leader D.O.R.C., the Disembodied, Omnipitent Ruler of Cats, played by Charles Nelson Reilly. (the details I remember are few and far between)

When I was a kid, everyone at summer camp talked about their favorite cartoons. When I brought up Spacecats, everyone looked at me like I had just thrown together two words to pretend like I watched TV. It was like I was some home school kid, or dumb religious kid.

Well, I'm neither. Spacecats forever!

Labels: cartoons, overtime, TV