An end to a Super Presidential Year

It's fitting that the last presidential birthday of the year should fall on none other than my birthday. In honor of my birthday, I bring you the last installment of my presidential birthday series. I hope it has opened your eyes and made you go, man, back in the day, presidents had some really weird names.

Here goes, last round:

Martin Van Buren: Van Buren was the first President born after 1776, therefore making him the first president born in the United States of America.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson: While President, Wilson ratified prohibition, ratified the amendment giving women the right to vote, held the first presidential press conference, took the country into WWI, helped form the League of Nations, and married Edith Bolling Galt. Impressive by any standards, but made more impressive by the fact that he never in his life held completed other political term.

Andrew Johnson: Abraham Lincoln was not actually the president who signed the 13th Amendment, making slavery officially illegal. It was Andrew Johnson. I'd call that a pretty good birthday mate.

November was Mediocre Presidents Month

This was the month all those shitty presidents were born. You know who I'm talking about, the presidents that aren't featured in any textbooks, except to talk about how much they sucked. In fact, James Polk and Warren Harding, widely considered our country's two worst leaders, were born on the same date. So here it is, with as much effort as they deserve:

James Knox Polk: So lame he, no kidding, died of diarrhea. Seriously, look it up. [editorial note: I have since done a lot of research and discovered Polk actually fucking rocked, and he's quickly rising in historian lists]

Warren Gamaliel Harding: This lame wad lost an entire set of White House china in a poker game. Okay, that's kind of cool except that he was supposed to be the president at the time.

James Abram Garfield: Garfield may have been greater had he lived more than 131 days into his administration. Little know fact (even less known than who the fuck he is or that he was shot) is that the gun shot didn't kill him, but the unsterilized instruments used to remove the bullet gave him the infection that killed him. Even cooler than that, he could write Greek with one hand while simultaneously writing Latin with the other.

Franklin Pierce: We've had two presidents named Franklin, FDR and this lame-o. Despite being so religious he said "I promise" instead of "I swear" at his inauguration, Pierce died of liver complications due to heavy drinking, and while in office he was arrested for running over a woman with his horse. Recap: Drinking okay. Aggravated assault okay. Pardoning oneself to get off a felony charge, crossing the line.

Zachary Taylor: Lamenstein here didn't do much before he died in office, but he is oddly related to all of American history. He's related to James Madison, Robert E. Lee, and FDR. His daughter married Jefferson Davis, and Abraham Lincoln gave the eulogy at his funeral. I guess you're only as cool as the friends you keep.

See you next month.

Holy crap, a lot of Presidents were born in October

The important question is what was going on in the January, February part of the year that got all those Presidential parents so darned randy. Deep reflection aside, it's time for useless trivia:

James Earl Carter, Jr.: He signed a law into effect making it legal for a household to brew 100 gallons of beer for personal use.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes: During the Hayes Administration, Alexander Graham Bell installed the first White House phone. They wouldn't use said phone to call the local beer distributor, though. His First Lady "Lemonade Lucy" Webb Hayes refused to serve a drop of alcohol during the Hayes years.

Chester Alan Arthur: He spent most of his nights as President out partying. I imagine when he got the call that President Garfield had been shot, and he'd have to take over the Oval Office, he was at the time lying in a pool of his own vomit. Also, I hope they used that Graham Bell phone to notify him.

Dwight David Eisenhower: Unlike most people who go on vacations to improve their health, Eisenhower suffered two heart attacks while in office, both while on vacation.

Theodore Roosevelt: He lost sight in one eye during a White House boxing match. In contrast, he had a photographic memory. He apparently couldn't remember he was in a boxing match, and forgot to duck. Ha ha, I'm hilarious.

John Adams: He apparently lived his life to piss people off. Not only was he hated my pretty much everyone he met, including best friend Thomas Jefferson, he lived longer than any President, 90 years, 247 days. So basically he was that guy at the party everyone dispised, who simply would not go away.

September Howard Taft, President of the United States

The man was so fat even his birthday takes up the entire month. No room in September for anyone but good ole President

William Howard Taft: The seventh inning stretch was created because President Fatty couldn't sit for nine innings. Weighing in at 332 pounds, President Lard Ass got stuck in the White House tub first time he used it. They had to order a newer bigger one just for him.

But I kid. He was such a loveable guy. He was the only president to also serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He owned the last presidential cow and the first presidential automobile. He holds the honorable distinction of being the first major political figure to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. Don't you just wish he was your uncle?

August Presidents: Seriously, what the fuck?

This may possibly be the most enlightening Presidential Fun Fact finding thus far. I want to direct your attention to President Harrison, for the other side of a well known piece of presidential trivia.

Herbert Clark Hoover: In 1964, Columbia University named Hoover and Thomas Edison the two greatest engineers in U.S. History.

William Jefferson Clinton: The first time he watched the movie "Independence Day" was alongside actor Bill Pullman. Said Pullman, "Oh, great. This is going to be like shooting baskets with Magic Johnson watching."

Benjamin Harrison: People know that Grover Cleveland won two non-consecutive terms, but most people don't know why. Benjamin Harrison was the guy in between Cleveland's two terms, and he lost because instead of campaigning, he took care of his dying wife. She died before the end of his term.

Lyndon Baines Johnson: At the age of fifteen, he left home to become a grape picker and car mechanic. To save taxpayer money, he used to walk around the White House at night turning off unneeded lights.

PS- Also discovered this go round, Grover Cleveland's real name is Stephen Grover Cleveland. You see, Mr. President, there's a reason people are ashamed of their middle names.

In July we talk about presidential relatives

In 200+ years of American history, only two men whose fathers had been president were elected president. They were both born in the month of July, and they were both elected in scandalous elections.

In 1824, the field was narrowed down to Adams, Henry Clay, Andrew Jackson, and John C. Calhoun. The results were too close to call, and in a back room deal, Adams and Clay supposedly conspired to stack the electoral college. Adams became president, Clay became Secretary of State. The scandal cast a shadow over Adams' entire administration, and basically handed the presidency to Jackson in 1828. Adams is the first president to win neither the popular nor electoral vote.

A mere 176 years later, George Walker Bush destroyed what was left of our trust in democracy. Is anyone else bucking for Chelsea Clinton to run in about 20 years? But here are some fun facts for July.

John Calvin Coolidge: Okay, this guy rocked. He averaged nine hours of sleep, and took frequent naps. While governor of Massachusetts, the mayor of Boston punched him in the face. He's the only president sworn in by his own father, and he's somehow related to Bennie Arthur (or so Bennie tells me).

George Walker Bush: He holds many presidential records and firsts. Record fewest press conferences since the invention of television. First 3-time convicted felon (DWI, petty larceny, drunken disorderly) elected president. Largest annual deficit. Most polls ever taken by a sitting president. Etc. etc. Bush bashing isn't even fun anymore.

John Quincy Adams: He swam naked in the Potomac on a daily basis.

Gerald Rudolph Ford: On two separate occasions, a woman tried to assassinate him. This means he holds the record for the most women who tried to assassinate a sitting president. His name is actually Leslie King, but he took his mother's maiden name after his father left them. (I learned that one while watching 24 hour coverage of his funeral on C-SPAN)